Good evening, America. Dan Rather here.
Mary Mapes and I have barricaded ourselves into the CBS News Studios at Black Rock and seized control of the airwaves that are rightfully ours, in order to bring you coverage of this election as only we can.
One week before the polls close, and we can now report the results of the super-top-secret pre-exit polls that were just faxed to us by an unimpeachable source from a Kinko's in Abilene, Texas.
One may question the wisdom of offering election projections before the polls have even opened, much less closed, but if we could get away with calling the State of Florida for my good friend, Al Gore, before the panhandle had finished voting, by golly, we are going to report these exit polls right now. Why? Because it is news, and we are journalists. Reporting news is our job, neigh, our duty... a duty we hold most sacred... and because you, the American People, have a right to know these things.
We will begin our analysis of what is shaping up to be a historic night for the Democrats just as soon as our experts have had a moment to digest the data we have received. Stay tuned to this blog for updates throughout the day!
And, as always, Courage!