"Good evening, and welcome to tonight's Republican Debate on CNN, the world's most trusted news source. I'm Anderson Cooper. Before we begin, let's meet the candidates..."
"Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani...
...Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney...
...Arizona Senator John McCain...
...Former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson...
...Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee...
...California Congressman Duncan Hunter....
...Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo...
...and Texas Congressman Ron Paul."
"Tonight's questions will come from members of our studio audience, as well as from questions submitted via YouTube. Those who will be asking the questions come from all over the United States, they were selected totally at random, and each and every one of them have sworn to us on stacks of bibles, cross-their-hearts-and-hope-to-die, stick-a-thousand-needles-in-their-eye, may-lightning-strike-them-if-they're-telling-a-lie, that they are, in fact, undecided Republican voters --- and we have chosen to take them at their word. Neither we, nor the candidates, have any advance knowledge of the questions that will be asked. Let's get started with a gentleman from YouTube who has submitted a question for consideration, Retired Brigadier General Keith Kerr."
"Hi, I'm an openly gay former General, who, I assure you, is NOT a Democrat Party plant who has served on Hillary Clinton's steering committee, nor did I ever campaign for John Kerry, as far as you know. My question is for Congressman Hunter: Tell me, sir, why are all Republicans like yourself a bunch of bigoted, sexist, racist, homophobic, war-mongering fascists? And wouldn't the world be far better off if we only allowed gay pacifists in the military?"
"Well, first of all, sir, as a former Serviceman myself, and with all due respect, I believe that your premise is false to begin with..."
"I'm sorry, Congressman, but your time has expired. Let us go to another YouTube question, this time from a woman who calls herself Journey, and she is from Texas."
"Hi. As a lifelong Republican who is soooooo not secretly a lesbian Democrat activist who supports John Edwards, my question is for Senator McCain. I wanted to know why, Senator, you and the rest of these heartless, cruel, chauvinist brutes on the Republican side, want to prevent me from having reproductive choice and force me into a back alley to have my abortion, which is my right! Don't you want me to be able to be safe during my abortion, or would you prefer that I die? You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
"Journey, first of all, no one here wants to see a bright young woman like yourself die..."
"I'm sorry, Senator McCain, the red light has come on and we must move to the next question. This one comes to us from Dylan on YouTube, and it is for Mayor Giuliani."
"I, and all of America for that matter, would like to know when we are going to be told the truth about 9/11! We know we are being lied to by the government. There were no terrorists, those planes didn't knock those towers down... we murdered our own people and covered it up! What I want to know is, how do you sleep at night knowing that it's all just an elaborate and convenient lie created to take us into an illegal and unnecessary war?"
"I resent that! Everything you just said is totally, totally false and it disgusts me! How dare you suggest such things! I was there, and I can tell you for a fact..."
"Once again, I'm afraid we are out of time. That is all for the YouTube portion of the debate, we now move on to questions from members of our audience. Mark from California is first up, and he has a question for Senator Thompson."
"Senator, I demand to know why, as a Senator, you voted to support this abomination of a war under such false pretenses, when the whole world knew... KNEW there were no WMD in Iraq and that Chimperor Bushitler was lying in order to fight a war for oil? Also, if you manage to somehow steal this election, since that is the only possible way any Rethuglican could win, would you pledge to see to it that he and every last member of his unelected regime is dragged before the International Court at the Hague to face charges of war crimes?"
"Okay, first of all, I resent your tone! Furthermore, in actual fact, all of the intelligence that was available at the time, including those evaluations from other governments..."
"Sorry, Senator, time is wasting and we must move on. George has our next question, and it is for Governor Romney."
"Governor, if elected, would you rescind the Bush tax cuts, or will you simply allow this horrifically bad economy to descend into another Great Depression and let Social Security and Medicare wither and die on the vine, leaving old people to die in the streets with no food or medicine, just so the richest among us can enjoy a few extra dollars in their already bloated pockets?"
"Where do I begin? The economy right now is, in fact, one the best..."
"Sorry, Governor, your time is up. Our next question is for Congressman Tancredo and comes from Jorge from Arizona."
"¡Hey, gringo! ¿Porqué usted quisiera que todo el mexicano muriera como perros?"
"First of all, sir, this is America and I would appreciate it if you would have the common courtesy to speak to me in our native language, English, so that everyone watching could understand..."
"¡Los republicanos son cerdos racist! ¡No necesitamos ningún pasaporte que apesta! ¡Viva MEChA! ¡Viva Aztlan! ¡Todas sus fronteras son pertenecen a nosotros!"
"What the...??? Did he just say what I think he said? Sir, that is inflammatory and I would like to take this opportunity to address the border issue if I may..."
"Sorry, but we are once again out of time and must move swiftly along. Our next question is from Al from Minnesota."
"I would like to ask Congressman Paul if he would consider running as a third party candidate? I know many others, like me, would really, really like to see the Republican vote split... I mean we would really, really like more of a choice... and I... I really, really think you should run as an independent and take as many votes away from the winner of this primary as humanly possible."
"I haven't really considered..."
"Once again, I must interrupt due to time constraints. We now move along to a question for Governor Huckabee from Al from Tennessee."
"Thank you, Anderson. Speaking as a Nobel Prize winner and an Academy Award winning filmmaker, I must ask why all of you don't seem to care at all that our planet is dying! Governor Huckabee, if you are elected President, will you pledge to sign the Kyoto Treaty immediately upon entering office, and if not, don't you agree that you should immediately be disqualified from consideration by any thinking American?"
"Is this some sort of a joke?..."
"Sorry, Governor, but we are all out of time! On behalf of the American people, I would like to thank the candidates for participating this evening, and I would also like to thank all of the wonderful people who submitted such thoughtful questions for the candidates. I hope all of you watching at home found this debate as insightful and thought-provoking as I did. Goodnight."
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy these...
Ms. American Spy
Results of New In-Depth Study Revealed: Bush May Actually Be Hitler!
The Democrat Family Album... a Tribute!
George W. Bush and the Holy Grail
New Orleans Rhapsody
And thank you for visiting The Right Place!
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ADDENDUM (12/2/07):
First, credit where credit is due..
Dreadfully sorry, but in my haste to post this, I forgot to h/t DaveTesla on THIS Free Republic thread for the link to the article on Journey Murry's coming out in the UT Arlington newspaper.
For those that do not recognize any of our "guests" in this post, the questions are asked, in order, by...
1) Retired Brigadier General Keith Kerr, actual CNN Debate questioner
2) Journey Murry, actual CNN Debate questioner
3) Dylan Avery, 9/11 conspiracy kook extraordinaire and director of Loose Change
4) Markos Moulitsas, founder of the far-left hate site Daily Kos
5) George Soros, Socialist billionaire (figure that one out) and founder of MoveOn.org (among other things)
6) Alfonso Bedoya as Gold Hat in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
7) Al Franken, far-left so-called comedian, formerly of SNL & Air America, now running for US Senate in MN
8) Al "Chicken Little" Gore, Former VP and inventor of the internet!
Also, a Spanish to English translation from above. I admit my Spanish is purely courtesy of BabelFish, so forgive me if it is not technically right, but it is, at least, close.
"¡Hey, gringo! ¿Porqué usted quisiera que todo el mexicano muriera como perros?"
Hey, American [using the common derogatory term]! Why do you want all Mexicans to die like dogs?
"¡Los republicanos son cerdos racist! ¡No necesitamos ningún pasaporte que apesta! ¡Viva MEChA! ¡Viva Aztlan! ¡Todas sus fronteras son pertenecen a nosotros!"
Republicans are racist pigs! We don't need no stinking passports! Hooray for MEChA [a Hispanic separatist group here in the US]! Hooray for Aztlan [a dreamed of Hispanic-dominated independent state carved out of the American Southwest, "liberating" lands that were once "stolen" from Mexico]! All your borders are belong to us!
I just thought it might be fun to have some of the humor be a little bit hidden. Hope that clears things up!
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Thanks for the links!
Sondra K at Knowledge Is Power
Lemuel Calhoon at Hillbilly White Trash
Van Helsing at Moonbattery
John Ruberry at Marathon Pundit
Walter Craig at The Butter Stick
