KRAP-TV in Jackson, Wyoming is reporting that earlier today, Bigfoot took his own life in front of numerous witnesses at Yellowstone National Park:
Tragedy struck this morning at Old Faithful Geyser in Yellowstone National Park, when a mysterious 10-foot-tall individual, covered in body hair, whom officials believe to be the elusive creature known as Bigfoot, was killed after hurling himself into the boiling hot water and steam spewing forth from this once magnificent natural wonder. We spoke to several eyewitnesses who were on the scene for this bizarre and tragic event.
"I've never seen anything like it," said Crystal Ball, an investment manager from California, "He just came running out of the trees screaming 'It isn't true! It isn't true!' The park rangers tried to stop him, but he made a beeline for the geyser, just as it erupted! There was nothing they could do! There was nothing anyone could do! (Weeping.) It was just so awful!"
"He mumbled something about lies on the Internet," said Dan Svever, a retired truck driver from Tennessee, "He screamed 'I did not have sex with that woman, not one time, not ever!' Then he was gone. It was terrible... tragic. The smell of boiled hair... that was the worst part, the smell."
"It was so cool!" said 10-year-old Justin Case, visiting with his family from Wisconsin, "Everyone started screaming and then I saw this really big guy covered with fur, and then he jumped and pfffftttt! That was totally awesome!"
Park official Woody Forester had this to say at a press conference just moments ago: "Good afternoon. Thank you for coming. I would like to make a statement right now, but there will be no questions taken at this time. It is with great sadness that I report the tragic loss today of not one, but two great national treasures. Earlier this morning the creature known as Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, hurled himself into the plume of steam being emitted from Old Faithful Geyser here in Yellowstone National Park during one of its regular eruptions. Tragically, he did not survive. Also, geological experts from the National Park Service report that the geyser is now completely clogged with hair and they are convinced that no amount of Metamucil will help to clear it. I do have some good news to report, however. I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"
The Right Place regrets the tragic losses of both Bigfoot and Old Faithful.
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UPDATE 5/18: The Right Place Stands By Its Story!