Meet the new face of terror.With just one shopping day left before the Fat Man visits all the world's chillens, there is a new problem facing the Nation's youth: Christmas wreaths.
Known on the street as "yule crack," "St. Nick's hits" and "E" (for evergreen), children as young as six months appear to be "getting off" on the festive fumes.
"I just can't get enough of the stuff," said Billy Johnson, age 13. "It just smells so good. It's, like, addictive, or something!"
"Oh, yeah. I use the stuff all the time around the holidays. Before breakfast, after school... But not during school. They don't allow Christmas wreaths," admits Holly Webster, age 17.
"MMM! Cookies!" concluded Suzy Collins, age 2.
But children and teens aren't the only ones affected. Older Americans are also finding themselves on the tinsel train to wreath whoredom.
"I admit that I like to take the occasional whiff of wreath, but I can quit any time I want," declared Agatha Pederson, age 76. "Just give me another hit! I NEED SOME GOD DAMNED WREATH!"
Some addicts have begun to carry small amounts of wreath with them, concealed in rolled-up papers called "wreathers." Blue Öyster Cult has yet to write a song about the subject.
Since this is a recent phenomenon, it is unknown what the long-term effects of extended wreath abuse entail, but users have shown an increase in carolling, holiday cheer and chronic diarrhoea.
John P. Walters, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, has launched an investigation into the possible impact excessive nasal consumption of Christmas wreath, as well as into prolonged exposure to menorah and kinara candle light and the recent increase of tongue-stickings to Festivus poles.
Known on the street as "yule crack," "St. Nick's hits" and "E" (for evergreen), children as young as six months appear to be "getting off" on the festive fumes.
"I just can't get enough of the stuff," said Billy Johnson, age 13. "It just smells so good. It's, like, addictive, or something!"
"Oh, yeah. I use the stuff all the time around the holidays. Before breakfast, after school... But not during school. They don't allow Christmas wreaths," admits Holly Webster, age 17.
"MMM! Cookies!" concluded Suzy Collins, age 2.
But children and teens aren't the only ones affected. Older Americans are also finding themselves on the tinsel train to wreath whoredom.
"I admit that I like to take the occasional whiff of wreath, but I can quit any time I want," declared Agatha Pederson, age 76. "Just give me another hit! I NEED SOME GOD DAMNED WREATH!"
Some addicts have begun to carry small amounts of wreath with them, concealed in rolled-up papers called "wreathers." Blue Öyster Cult has yet to write a song about the subject.
Since this is a recent phenomenon, it is unknown what the long-term effects of extended wreath abuse entail, but users have shown an increase in carolling, holiday cheer and chronic diarrhoea.
John P. Walters, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, has launched an investigation into the possible impact excessive nasal consumption of Christmas wreath, as well as into prolonged exposure to menorah and kinara candle light and the recent increase of tongue-stickings to Festivus poles.
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