Monday, August 08, 2005

Democrats Give up on Winning, Push for More "Spectacular" Losses

"Since we can't ever seem to win anymore, it has taken all the fun out of playing the game," said DNC Chairman Howard Dean in an exclusive interview with the Right Place. "That's why we have embarked upon this new strategy of trying to enjoy each and every humiliating defeat. The more spectacularly we crash and burn, the more fun we're going to have! Why do you think I go around saying all the insane things I have been saying since I got this job anyway? You didn't actually think I was that crazy, mean or stupid, did you? I mean, come on! Give me and everyone who helped put me in this position some credit, will you?"

When you think about it, what Dr. Dean said makes perfect sense.

"It would certainly explain an awful lot if that is their new game plan," said RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman. "As far as I am concerned, I'd love to help them out with it in any way that I can!"

Democrats, used to being on the losing end of most major elections since the GOP takeover of Congress in 1994, do seem to have embraced the idea of celebrating their losses. For evidence of this, one need look no further than last Tuesday's special election in Ohio's 2nd Congressional District, where Democrat Paul Hackett lost to Republican Jean Schmidt. After the results came in, showing that another one of their candidates had gone down in flames, many liberals were ready to pop the champagne corks!

Hackett could easily have won the race, even though it was being fought in a district that traditionally trends heavily Republican, according to Les Hope, one of his Campaign Advisors. "He threw the race, it was as simple as that. I mean, when you think about it, you had an Iraq War veteran, a good looking young man, taking on a candidate whose party is embroiled in scandal at the state level here... he could have actually pulled it off, but what fun would that have been? That commercial we ran, where he seemed to be supportive of the President and his policies - he could have just shut his mouth and let the deception work, but we couldn't do it in good conscience, so Paul called the President names on the stump, and just waited for the word to get out. It was very cool to make it so close though, sort of a tease, but in the end it was best for everyone that he lost. The country doesn't really need us Democrats anymore, and they are waking up to that fact. After all, we have no real ideas to offer any longer and, in all honesty, many of us are complete fruitcakes!"

To further the stated goal of losing as many elections as possible, Markos Moulitsas ZĂșniga, publisher of the leading liberal weblog, Daily Kos, is lobbying for a position as a Democrat Party Campaign Manager.

"Kos" cited his "perfect 0-16 record" supporting Democrat candidates for elected office in recent elections as proof of his immeasurable qualification for such a position.

"It only makes sense as the next logical step," Kos said in a recent post, "After all, I couldn't be any worse than Bob Shrum."

Chief White House Political Advisor, Karl Rove, was quick to endorse Mr. Moulitsas. "I think the idea of someone with Markos Moulitsas ZĂșniga's track record running as many Democrat political campaigns as humanly possible is absolutely marvelous!" Rove said. "When can he get started?"

The Right Place heartily endorses Mr. Moulitsas as a Democrat Campaign Manager, Advisor, Operative or Spokesperson and sincerely wishes him an equal amount of success in all future election related endeavors as he has enjoyed in the past!

We also would like to wish the Democrats continued success with their ambitious "keep the losing streak alive" strategy. Since most of those on the Left have seemingly already lost their minds, losing future elections should prove easier and easier. Good luck, guys! We're rooting for you!



If you enjoyed this bit of satire, you might also enjoy:

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  • ******************************

    Thanks for the links!

    Bill Quick at Daily Pundit
    Dr. Rusty Shackleford at The Jawa Report
    Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
    Betsy Newmark at Betsy's Page
    B.C., The Imperial Torturer at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
    Bruce the Human Pet at Conservative Cat
    Cecile Dubois at Sky Watching My World
    Kitty at Lifelike Pundits
    James Taranto at OpinionJournal - Best of the Web Today [WOW!!!]
    John at WuzzaDem
    Kevin Whited at PubliusTX

    Be sure to visit some of these wonderfully kind folks!

    This post is featured in:

    Carnival of the Clueless #9 at Right Wing Nut House
    Carnival of Classiness at WILLisms [CERTIFIED "CLASSY"]
    Carnival of the Vanities #151 at Generic Confusion
    Carnival of Crazy III at File It Under...
    Carnival of Comedy #15 at Conservathink
    Carnival of the Insanities at Dr. Sanity

    Be certain to drop by and check out more of the great posts linked to by these wonderful events!

    This post submitted to:

    Beltway Traffic Jam at Outside the Beltway
    The Good, the Bad and the Ugly at MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
    Lunch: 8/10/05 at Basil's Blog

    More excellent reading available at these places, as well! Check 'em out!

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