In another Right Place exclusive, we have obtained a copy of the U.S. Constitution, complete with crib notes, from the desk of a Judge on the very liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, who shall remain unnamed. This document, being made public here for the first time, may go a long way towards explaining the behavior of many left wing jurists and politicians in this country, if they are all working from similar copies of the Constitution.
So, in honor of the new Iraqi Constitution, the Right Place proudly presents:
The U.S. Constitution - through the eyes of a liberal...
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives and shall be subjugated to the will of the United Nations.
Clause 1: The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the People of the
Clause 2: No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the
Clause 4: When vacancies happen in the Representation from any State, the
Clause 5: The
Clause 1: The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each blue State, chosen by the
Clause 2: Blah, Blah, Blah...
Clause 3: Yadda, Yadda, Yadda...
Clause 4: The Vice President of the United States shall be
Clause 6: The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments of that traitorous piece of subhuman filth, "the Shrub". When sitting for that Purpose, they shall be on
Clause 7: Judgment in Cases of Impeachment shall
Clause 1: The Times, Places and Manner of holding Elections for Senators and Representatives, shall be prescribed
Clause 2: Whatever...
Clause 1: Each House shall be
Clause 3: Each House shall keep a Journal of its Proceedings, and from time to time publish the same, excepting such Parts as may in their Judgment
Clause 4: Ho Hum...
Clause 1: All Bills for raising Revenue shall
Clause 2: Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the new President of the United States, a Democrat; If he approve he shall sign it... who are we kidding, if it includes a nice fat, juicy tax increase, he'll sign it!
Clause 3: Moving Right Along...
Clause 1: The Congress shall have Power To lay and collect copious punitive Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the
Clause 2: To
Clause 3: To
Clause 4: To
Clause 5: To
Clause 6: To provide for
Clause 7: To establish Post Offices and post Roads and to post the phone numbers of hot interns on the walls of the men's restroom;
Clause 8: To promote the Progressives of Science and
Clause 9: To recognize that this constitution
Clause 10: To define and punish
Clause 11: To declare
Clause 12: To raise and support
Clause 13: To provide and maintain a
Clause 14: To make Rules for the
Clause 18: To make all Laws which shall be necessary and proper... Blah, Blah, Blah...
Section 8? Wait, isn't there supposed to be something about subsidized housing? Oh, and Klinger wearing dresses? Oops! My bad! Wrong Section 8's. Nevermind.
Clause 1: The Migration or Importation of
Clause 2: The Privilege of the Writ of Habeas Corpus shall not be suspended, unless
Clause 6: Boring!
Clause 8: No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States:
Who cares? Next!
Clause 1: The executive Power shall be vested in a Democrat President of the United States of America. He or SHE (you Medieval sexist pigs) shall hold his or HER Office during the Term of four Years, and, together with the Vice President, chosen for the same Term, be elected, as follows
Clause 2: Poof! It's gone!
Clause 3: Nope! No more Electors, the Founders were idiots and that's how we got stuck with Chimpy in the first place, so bugger off!
Clause 4: The
Clause 5: No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States. This means you, Terminator! Exceptions may be made for special people like Jennifer Granholm, however, or, be still my beating heart, Jacques Chirac!
Clause 6: In Case of the Removal of the
Clause 7: The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation, which shall
Clause 8: Before he enter on the Execution of his Office, he shall take the following Oath or Affirmation:--"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the
Clause 1: The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Salvation Army and Old Navy department stores
Clause 2: He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Democrat Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls but not John Bolton, progressive-minded Judges of the supreme Court unanimously approved by Jesse Jackson, Ted Kennedy, and NARAL
He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union... Blah, Blah, Blah...
The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors or for being a Republican - same thing! Oh, and lying about sex under oath doesn't count, so there.
The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall
Clause 1: The judicial Power shall extend to all facets of life.
Clause 2: Yawn...
Clause 3: The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury... Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... Oh, and O.J. was framed, you racists!
Clause 1: Treason against the United States, shall consist only
Full Faith and Credit shall be given in each State to the public Acts, Records, and judicial Proceedings of every other State... Suffice it to say that according to liberal activist judges, anything goes because of this here Article, Spunky! 'Nuff said!
The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution... Yakety, Schmakety
The Ratification... Been there, done that
The Bill of Rights:
Move along, nothing to see here! It doesn't mean what it says anyway, you troglodyte!
No Soldier shall,
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue,
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime,
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy
In Suits at common law,
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, especially on those nice boys from al Qaeda being held at Guantanamo Bay.
The enumeration in the Constitution , of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the
More Constitutional Amendments:
The Judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by Citizens of another State, or by Citizens or Subjects of any Foreign State. Except, of course, for foreign nationals captured out of uniform on foreign soil attempting to kill our soldiers, who are entitled to the full protections of our courts from those barbarians in the military, those poor boys.
Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.
Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
Read it and weep, Rednecks! You know you want to repeal it - c'mon admit it! We know all Republicans hate this, even if it was put in there by, well, a bunch of Republicans, but that was just for show! You're all still racists and you know it! Oh! And that no more slavery thing goes for my womb, too! Hands off, turkey!
That's right! The motherlode! Civil Rights, baby! You don't have to read it, it says whatever we want it to say anyway... And you better believe legalized abortion, too, I tell you what! Oh, and stem cells! It's in there! Trust us!
Section 1. The right
Section 2. The Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation. So there!
The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.
Woo-hoo! Party!!! Celebrate good times, c'mon! And we can fund our abortions, too!
Direct election of Senators. Yawn...
Prohibition - It's now gone the way of the dodo. Next!
The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
I am woman, hear me roar... Take that, you sexist pig Republicans, you! Everything bad is all your fault, and don't you ever forget it! Abortions for everybody!
Mostly Presidential term and succession mumbo jumbo. It says that when we impeach Bush, whomever we want gets to become President, so there!
Bye-bye Prohibition, hello booze! (Teddy's favorite!)
Section 1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice... except Bill Clinton! Oh, and Hillary, too!
D.C. Representation. Three free Electoral Votes for Democrats! Yes! (Oh, wait, we just decided to get rid of those things, didn't we?)
No more poll tax, Mr. Jim Crow. And by that I mean you, you Republican racists! And don't start telling me the Democrats ran all those Southern States back then, because we all know who the real racists are, now don't we?
More Presidential succession stuff. Oh, and we can now replace the Vice President, whoop-de-doo!
18 Year Old skulls full of mush can now vote! Woo-hoo! More free votes for us from the young and naive! MTV Rock the Vote, baby! Yeah! Pssssttt... Bush is going to reinstate the draft! No really, he is! Any day now...
NOTE: Post corrected for grammatical error.
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