Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Democrats Fire Back, File Lawsuit to Stop Bush, Republicans from Using Their Own Words Against Them!

The Democratic National Committee (DNC) filed suit earlier today with the notoriously liberal 9th Circuit Court of Appeals seeking an emergency injunction against the use of any audio or video tape, newspaper or magazine articles, transcripts or Congressional Records from more than one week prior from whatever the present date may happen to be at any given time by any individual, corporation, or organization in perpetuity.

In conjunction with the lawsuit, DNC Chairman Howard Dean issued the following statement:

"We believe it is a most egregious affront to all that we as a nation hold most sacred that the enemies of freedom and democracy are permitted to use the past as a weapon against all that we have worked so long and hard to establish as the current version of the truth. It is for this reason that we feel it is of the utmost urgency that all evidence of the so-called past be expunged from the record so that it may be rewritten as we see fit at any given time to advance the goals of our party and its constituents."

In a brief hearing before a three judge panel, the party's lawyers argued that all past statements by Democrats and their supporters being used by the Republicans to counter their current statements about President Bush's "misuse" of intelligence in the run-up to the Iraq War amount to an abuse of the Fifth Amendment Rights of Democrats against self-criminalization. In a unanimous 3-0 ruling, the Court quickly issued the injunction as sought, making it a crime to compare the past statements of any Democrat or liberal with the current statements of the same Democrat or liberal.

"It's about damn time!" Screeched Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA), his nose glowing a brilliant shade of crimson. "It is just not fair when one side is permitted to change the rules in the middle of the game. We own the press and have for many, many years. We know they aren't going to go digging around in anybody's past, unless it's some damned Republican or another. We have come to rely so heavily on a collective sense of disinterest on the part of most of the public and a certain amnesia-like state regarding past events, it is just not fair to force us to deal with our own statements like this. Those statements were made in a different time and place when they were being used to serve a completely different purpose! To remind people of what actually took place in the past when we want people to remember it differently now is dirty pool! It is high time we put a stop to things like talk radio... and blogs, too! I think it's about time we shoved a little regulation down their {Hiccup!} throats!"

Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) had this to say, "The truth is not something that one can just be allowed to uncover for one's self. It must be properly shaped and molded by those that know best what the truth ought to be and how things ought to be presented so that it is perceived that way by the maximum number of people possible. This is why the mainstream media exists, to be the gatekeepers of news and information. You can't just have people going around undermining a carefully crafted meme with inconvenient facts! Good people can be hurt by such things! It's chaos I tell you... chaos!"

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) hailed the decision as a victory for free speech. "This ruling is a breath of fresh air! It is a victory for the Freedom of Speech, as originally envisioned by our Founding Mothers, insomuch as it enables us to speak freely without the fear of our own words someday being used against us after we've changed tactics or altered history in some meaningful way. This is a victory for our children and our children's children and I would hope the Republicans do not seek to harm our children, our future, or our treasured Freedom of Speech in this country by challenging this ruling in any way, shape, or form!"

Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) said, "It is about time we put a stop to this ridiculously unfair practice of bringing up people's past statements and actions and using them as weapons against them! The Bush Administration and their co-conspirators, the Swift Boat Veterans, right-wing talk radio, right-wing bloggers, all did this to me repeatedly last year and it cost me the election! We Democrats should be wholly entitled to our preferred version of the truth! Hopefully, this court decision will put these kind of deeply appalling attacks behind us once and for all. It is my profound hope that we can now go back to the time where what is being said the loudest and repeated most often by the people most preferred by those in the press is just accepted as the official version of the truth and that is that!"

Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) added that he was going around telling people as far back as a year ago that he had it on good authority that such a ruling was coming.

The full 9th Circuit rejected a Republican proposal to rehear the case, which is now expected go before the U.S. Supreme Court sometime in the next two or three decades. In the meantime, the Republicans will be forced to pull this video off of the web and cease and desist from telling the truth about past statements made by their Democrat colleagues, and the Bush Administration will be forced back into taking it up the behind, as usual.

Reports of hundreds of spontaneous orgasms were widespread (but unconfirmed) at Democratic Underground and Daily Kos among other popular Moonbat websites, where facts, truth and logic are typically regarded as the enemies of progress.

Thus endeth this week's dabbling in the art of SATIRE!


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Thanks for the link!

Bruce at The Conservative Cat, who has more "Funny Stuff."
Bill Faith at Small Town Veteran
Eric at Myopic Zeal
Betsy Newmark, guest-blogging at Michelle Malkin
Gateway Pundit
Bill Crawford at All Things Conservative
artemus at Outside Asylum
Barry Johnson at The Royal Flush
John O at Brain Droppings
Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
The Jomangled Wackonews
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose on Your Face
Jerry at Milblog

This post is proudly featured in...

Carnival of Comedy #29 at Radioactive Liberty
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Carnival of the Clueless #22 at Right Wing Nut House
Carnival of the Vanities at Don Surber
Carnival of Satire #10 at the skwib
Carnival of Crazy #11 at WunderKraut

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