At a press conference in New York City late yesterday afternoon, ACLU Spokesperson Ebenezer G. Rinch announced that the organization was filing a petition with the FCC seeking the immediate forfeiture of the broadcasting license of any radio station in the country that plays even "a single note of any song that mentions or even alludes to Christ, Christmas or any other religious icon, including Santa Claus, who is, in reality, the representation of a Christian Saint - Saint Nicholas."
The explanation, he claims, is simple, "The airwaves have always been considered public property, and, consistent with our crusade against religion in the public square, we are taking them back from those who would violate the principle of Separation of Church and State guaranteed in the First Amendment. We are taking a stand on behalf of all of those who don't want their children exposed to this tripe about joy and laughter, the spirit of giving, loving your fellow man, peace on Earth and so forth! It's disgusting and it is high time it stopped!"
Panic ensued across the fruited plain as many stations have already switched to an all Christmas music format for the Holiday Season, and many others have added Christmas songs to their playlists.
"I don't know what were going to do!" Cried a frantic Holly Jolie, Program Director at WUSS-FM, an adult contemporary station in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. "There are only so many times an hour we can play Jingle Bells, Sleigh Ride and Auld Lang Syne, but our lawyers are screaming at us that we need to be sensitive to this issue! One of our DJ's stuck on Deck the Halls a few hours ago, thinking it was safe, and we immediately received a warning call because 'Yule tide' is a synonym for the Christmas Season and the word 'carol' refers to a song that celebrates the birth of Christ! I mean, come on! This is just ridiculous! They won't even allow instrumental versions of the songs on the new 'No Play List!'"
But it doesn't end there! The ACLU is also demanding the removal of all Christmas specials from television as well!
"Have you seen some of these movies and cartoons and the like they have been defiling our public airwaves with for all these years?" Mr. Rinch inquired, his face growing red with rage, "This whole month is all nothing but a massive indoctrination drive to force everyone in this country into becoming a Christian so they can get presents on Christmas - that's all it has ever been about! And the worst part of it all is that it is based entirely on lies! This Santa Claus person does not exist!"
"I was a victim of one of these vile TV programs myself," he continued, "I grew up in a sensible atheist household, where my parents refused to celebrate 'fairy-tale holidays' and hand out presents to their kids 'for no good reason' and they protected me from such filth! But I saw Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at a friend's house one year and I secretly asked Santa for a bicycle and a puppy, but come Christmas morning, when I ran downstairs - nothing! Not even a tree, or a stocking, or some lousy tinsel - same as every other day! My Father, Mother Earth rest his decomposing corpse, just looked at me and said, 'You're not going to start with that Santa Claus nonsense again, are you, son?' And I cried! I cried and he beat me for being a little sissy boy who believed in fairy-tales! Well, I am here today to make damn certain that never happens to another child ever again! If I can't have Christmas, neither can any of you! "
The Right Place immediately placed a call to Santa's Workshop at The North Pole, but were told Santa was far too busy this time of year to comment. One of his associates, Ernest Keebler, did assure me that all of my fellow bloggers, Stephen, Anna, and T.M., were on the "Nice" list, but warned me that I was "borderline." He also had this to say about Mr. Rinch's story, "It's a load of reindeer poop! Ebenezer G. Rinch was a miserable cur as a child, just as he is now! He used to beat up other kids and steal their lunch money! There was no way that little punk was getting a bike, never mind a puppy!"
When I later phoned Mr. Rinch's office, I was told by his assistant that he refused to comment on Mr. Keebler's statement, and that I should seek professional help concerning my "obvious delusions."
At the risk of incurring the wrath of Mr. Rinch and the rest of the ACLU, The Right Place would like to wish you all a Very Merry Christmas! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go perform some more acts of kindness toward my fellow man so I can make it onto the "Nice" list! Couldn't hurt, right?
Thus endeth this week's dabbling in the art of SATIRE!
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Thanks for the links!
Fred Fry International, who has his own idea for the ACLU!
Basil's Blog, who served us for breakfast!
Argghhh!, thanks, John!
Brainster's Blog, thanks, Pat, you rock!
Marathon Pundit, who has an update on a true Christmas cleansing story!
Conservative Cat, who has more "Funny Stuff"!
The Jawa Report, where Howie is handing out a lot more great links!
Stop the ACLU, where they have more "Funnies" linked and ready!
This post is proudly featured in...
Carnival of Comedy #32 at Blonde Sagacity
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Carnival of Satire #13 at the skwib