Monday, January 15, 2007

Gore Raises Global Warming Alarm Again, Cites New Scientific Evidence

Former Vice President Albert Gore, Jr. called a press conference earlier today to call people's attention to what he called an "urgent new development" on the global warming front. The former Vice President and inventor of the Internet once again showed uncanny timing in raising the global warming alert level in the wake of the worst ice storm in years across much of the U.S. and subsequent sub-zero temperatures sweeping across the nation's mid-section.

"It has recently come to my attention that there is now irrefutable scientific data that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the amount of sunlight reaching the surface of the earth's northern hemisphere has been steadily increasing in the last few weeks," Mr. Gore told a packed auditorium filled with media from all over the world. "Teams of crack climatologists have been checking and double-checking the data, and there is just no question that this is indeed the case. Furthermore, the effect is increasing incrementally... that is to say, that with each passing day, more and more sunlight is reaching the northern half of the earth's surface. There is also little doubt that the reason for this phenomenon is quite obviously the continued use of automobiles and other pollutants in the heavily populated and industrialized countries north of the equator, and in the United States in particular."

World-wide bedlam quickly ensued as a breathless media reported the story verbatim, using such headlines as "Worst Fears Confirmed: Earth Doomed!" and "Oh, God! It's Fry Day!" as they interviewed countless experts about the deleterious effects of ever-incrementally increasing sunlight on life on our "fragile" planet.

"Unless something is done immediately, we will all be dead within, at most, a few years," stated Dr. Stew N. Majuces, noted Global Warming Expert from the Progressive American National Institute of Climatology. "This is a disaster of unprecedented scope, and the fault clearly lies squarely with President Bush, who has steadfastly refused to deal with this issue throughout his shameful Presidency, despite repeated warnings from all of us here at P.A.N.I.C.! The imminent death of all life on this planet is on his head --- and his head alone!"

Some media outlets began to delve further into the study, which also reportedly reveals a decrease in sunlight across earth's southern hemisphere over the same period of time.

"Clearly, the greedy and over-industrialized north is stealing sunlight from those of us in the less-fortunate, underdeveloped south," reported one Brazilian television network. "In the process, they have doomed us all!"

In a joint appearance on nationwide television hours later, newly crowned Shrieker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-San Francisco) and newly minted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Illegal Land Deals) called for immediate legislative action, beginning with, but not limited to, ratification of the controversial Kyoto Accords Treaty.

"There is no time to waste on extravagances such as blue-ribbon panels, committees or even floor debates, we need to take action NOW," stressed a visibly angry Pelosi. "Anyone suggesting we need to take the time to study the evidence is only trying to get our children and grandchildren all killed, like the White House is trying to do to our soldiers in its useless war in Iraq, which we have clearly already lost. It's time for everyone on earth to wake up to the real threat, which is global warming, not global terrorism, which never really existed except in the feeble minds of the President and his political lackeys!"

White House spokesman Tony Snow could hardly contain his laughter as he issued a call for calm minutes later from the White House Press Room. "This is nothing more than grandstanding on the part of Mr. Gore and his ilk," Snow chortled. "We have had our own scientists at NASA and NOAA as well as the NWS check this so-called data, and it turns out all Mr. Gore's 'experts' have discovered is that the earth is continuing to rotate normally around the sun in its proper orbit, causing a gradual increase in the amount of sunlight seen each day in the northern hemisphere and a corresponding decrease in the southern hemisphere, following the winter solstice, as happens every year... and has happened every year for the past 5 billion or so years! God willing, this cycle will continue unabated for the foreseeable future."

Curiously, most news services across the globe chose to quote only the final sentence of Mr. Snow's statement, causing more anger and panic and calls for President Bush's immediate resignation.


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