Friday, October 20, 2006

Lancet survey puts American mortality rate at 300 million.

Following their controversial findings regarding deaths as a result of the 2003 Iraq War, the infallible scientists are at it again, predicting that as of this month, 300 million Americans are now dead.

"Really, it is all George Bush's fault. Not merely content to kill foreigners, the President has targeted his own countrypersons. He murdered 25,000 poor, black people in Louisiana alone!"

The vast majority of deaths were in major urban centres. Many actors who promised to kill themselves at the thought of a second Bush term did not make good on their promise - unfortunately - but the conductors of the study figured that the President's smirk alone was enough to make them dead inside, so they were counted amongst the deceased.

The last President to intentionally kill so many innocent people was Andrew Jackson in 1831, when Jackson barricaded and torched the Supreme Court in order to prevent the High Court from ruling in favour of the Cherokee Indians, whom Jackson also burnt.

The poll was determined by first surveying various city morgues, cemeteries and Grateful Dead concerts, tallying the percentage without a pulse, multiplying it by pi, subtracting the denominator and then cubing the remainder, somehow. The study has a 2,856,421.99730% margin of error.

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