Monday, July 25, 2005

Top Secret Democrat Party Strategy Meeting - Exposed!

The Right Place has obtained this exclusive transcript of a super-secret Democrat Party strategy meeting that took place sometime over the weekend in our nation's capitol...

LOCATION: Democrat Party HQ, Washington, D.C.

SUBJECT: Emergency Strategy Meeting Re: the Nomination of Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. to the Supreme Court of the United States

Senator Ted Kennedy arrives...

{Knock - knock!}

No response.


Still no response.

{Louder: Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock!!!}

HOWARD DEAN: (Thru the door) That wasn't the "secret" knock!

TED KENNEDY: It's me, you pinhead - open the damned door!

HOWARD DEAN: What's the password?

TED KENNEDY: Just open the door, you blithering idiot - I haven't got time for this!

HOWARD DEAN: How do I know you're not a Republican spy?

TED KENNEDY: Because, unlike most Republicans, I don't like the idea that YOU are our Party Chairman!

HOWARD DEAN: I'm not letting you in until you give me the password!

TED KENNEDY: Fine! (Sighs heavily) "Fix it - don't nix it!" There! Are you happy now?

The door opens. Senator Kennedy enters, accompanied by one of his aides. Howard Dean immediately hands them both paper party hats and noisemakers and quickly walks away.

TED KENNEDY: What the hell is this???

CHRIS DODD: (Wearing a stupid paper hat) Sorry, Ted. Howard thinks that this is what being "Party" Chairman is all about - just humor him. He's... well... you know - "special."

Senator Kennedy puts on the little paper hat in disgust and makes his way to the lectern at the front of the room.

TED KENNEDY: (Speaking into the microphone) People, can I have your attention, please?

The din in the room quickly dissipates.

TED KENNEDY: Thank you. I would like to get this meeting started now, but first, would you all bow your heads for the invocation?

NANCY PELOSI: (Steps forward dressed in a ceremonial black robe and holding a tambourine) There is but one "Supreme" power, and SCOTUS is Her Name! {Shakes tambourine}

EVERYONE: All praise be to SCOTUS!

NANCY PELOSI: Deliver us, oh SCOTUS, from the evil that is conservatism. Bestow upon us perpetual affirmative action, socialized medicine, gay marriage and abortion on demand for any reason at all and with no restrictions whatsoever throughout the course of pregnancy! {Shakes tambourine}

EVERYONE: Through the Courts alone, all is possible!

NANCY PELOSI: Protect us always from the original intent of the founders, from common sense, and, most importantly of all, from having to win people over to our ideas through the ballot box! This we pray in SCOTUS' Name! {Shakes tambourine}


Rep. Pelosi retreats solemnly back into the crowd.

TED KENNEDY: Thank you, High Priestess Nancy. We called this completely informal emergency meeting because we have a serious problem on our hands. The President has just nominated a judge to the Supreme Court. As you all know, as King of America, that is supposed to be MY job - and I warned him that it would be I who would anoint the new Associate Justice shortly after Justice O'Connor announced her retirement, but the son-of-a-bitch decided to ignore me! The American people will not stand for this... now we just have to figure out how to convince them that they will not stand for it! Any ideas?

BILL BURKETT: (Stepping forward) Relax, my friends, there is nothing to worry about! I have personally faxed copies of some secret memos once written about the new nominee by an old law school professor of his, since deceased, stating that he was incompetent, never showed up for class and was having undue influence exerted upon the school on his behalf by some powerful allies to assure passing grades. As soon as this story breaks, he will be finished!

TED KENNEDY: Aren't you the same bozo who got caught by a bunch of peons in their pajamas on the Internet passing phony documents to CBS News about President Bush's Texas Air National Guard service?

BILL BURKETT: Yes, but this is different - very different! After exhaustive research, I have made absolutely certain that the printing style and materials used to create these documents were widely available at the time! They appear 100% genuine! Here, have a look...

Burkett hands Senator Kennedy several pieces of paper.

TED KENNEDY: This will never work, you useless imbecile - these are all written in crayon!!!

BILL BURKETT: But Lucy Ramirez guaranteed me they were real this time!

TED KENNEDY: Sergeant-at-Arms, remove this idiot!

BILL BURKETT: (As he is forcibly escorted from the room) But I'm unimpeachable! Unimpeachable I tell you! Un-im-peach-a-ble...

JOHN CONYERS: (Giddy with excitement) Impeachment? Did someone say impeachment? I say we need to hold some more impeachment hearings in the basement of the capitol! I got to be the Chairman, and we had witnesses and some cameras were there and the people from the Democratic Underground came by and it was all just soooo much fun!

TED KENNEDY: Sorry, John, that is off topic. Save it for another meeting...

PAT LEAHY: Teddy! Teddy! Over here! How's about I leak some confidential documents to our friends in the press? Something from Judge Roberts' raw FBI files, perhaps? I just LOVE to leak things!

TED KENNEDY: I know you do, Pat - I'll take it under consideration. Speaking of leaking, you might want to excuse yourself for a few minutes, there's a puddle forming by your feet there!

PINCH SULZBERGER: Excuse me, Senator. As Chairman and Publisher of the New York Times, I can assure you that we in the media will do our utmost to assist you in your endeavor to prevent the President from appointing any conservative judges. We are already in the early stages of a comprehensive smear campaign against Judge Roberts and his wife and their religious faith and stand ready for further marching orders from the DNC!

TED KENNEDY: Thank you, Pinch! It's nice to know we can still rely on our allies in the media.

CHUCK SCHUMER: Yes! And we intend to stealthily attack Mr. & Mrs. Roberts' Catholicism by referring to his "deeply held personal beliefs," that will be the code phrase behind which we can hide from charges of religious bigotry! Say, where are the TV cameras???

TED KENNEDY: Sorry, Chuck. This is a secret strategy meeting, no cameras.

Senator Schumer skulks away, dejectedly.

HARRY REID: Teddy, if I may, I'd just like to say that we intend to demand the White House send us all kinds of confidential documents regarding Judge Roberts which we have absolutely no right whatsoever to see, let alone demand. We believe that this will provide us with a great excuse to filibuster him, pretty much the same way we did with Estrada and Bolton. And since we remain totally convinced that most members of the public at large are a bunch of ignorant dolts and the media will provide cover for us, we very likely can get away with this yet again!

TED KENNEDY: Good news, Dusty! Anyone else?

BARBARA BOXER: Yes, I would like to add that I believe we need to attack this President for not appointing a woman to take Justice O'Connor's place on the Supreme Court, because he is obviously such a sexist pig! And a racist, and a homophobe, too! Why, this nominee should have been a progressive-minded Half-African-American, Half-Hispanic Jewish lesbian midget atheist with a speech-impediment, and the fact that he is not is proof positive that the Republicans are bigots and hate-mongers and just don't care about people!

EVERYONE: Here! Here!

JOE BIDEN: And I think we need to keep saying how this country needs a more centrist candidate and how this President promised to be a uniter, not a divider! After all, it is a far, far more important thing we do, than we have ever done before! Ooh! Good one! I need to write that down...

DICK DURBIN: And I believe we need to play up his role in denying special protections to those poor boys being unjustly held and tortured - tortured I tell you - in Pol Pot's Nazi Gulag Wonderland down there in Guantanamo Bay, too!

The crowd erupts in cheers, jubilantly making use of the supplied noisemakers.

TED KENNEDY: Okay, people, okay! So, if we are all agreed then, our strategy will be to focus on his and his wife's religious beliefs as a cause for concern, always demand more information no matter how much we are given and regardless of the relevance or the legality of our request, complain that the candidate is too extreme, should have been a woman and/or minority to keep proper balance on the court and is against basic human rights for suspected terrorists. Any other suggestions or comments before we adjourn?

HOWARD DEAN: We're going to Washington - to take back the Supreme Court! Eeeeeyyyaaaaarrrggghhh!!!

TED KENNEDY: Could someone give Dr. Dean his lithium, please? Alright then, if there is nothing further, we need to meet back here again in another few weeks to discuss a possible filibuster... and next time - NO paper hats! There's something about all of us standing around in one place with little paper cones on top of our heads that is - well... somewhat less than encouraging!


NOTE: I thought this went without saying, but just to be clear... yes, this is SATIRE!


Thanks for the links!

Betsy Newmark at Betsy's Page
Bruce the Human Pet at Conservative Cat
Lorie Byrd at PoliPundit
Porkopolis at Porkopolis
Jim Rose at The Rebirth of Cool
Stephen Shores at Wild Olive Branch
Dan Melson at Searchlight Crusade
Razor at Bennelli Brothers

This post is featured in:

Carnival of the Clueless #7 at Right Wing Nut House.
Carnival of the Vanities #149 at Pratie Place.
Carnival of Crazy II: Nuttypalooza at File It Under...
Carnival of Comedy 13 (on the High Seas!) at Right Hand of God
Carnival of Insanities at Doctor Sanity
Carnival of the Trackbacks XXII at Wizbang!

Be certain to check out more of the fine participants in these excellent events!

Tell me, is it even possible to score an "accidental" precision guided humor assignment direct hit? Because, honest injun, I wasn't even trying, but it fits! You can check out some more similarly themed humor via Precision Guided Humor Roundup: Attacking Roberts at the Alliance of Free Blogs!

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