John Kerry Is Right. You Are All Stupid!

Dahlinks! Andrianna endorsed John Kerry for President in 2004. A man who promised $2 Trillion in new spending was Andrianna's definition of a feescal cunsuhvative.

Now, ze dashing senator ze state of Mossahchewsetts has vonce again plucked Andrianna right up ze heartstrings. (Vot? I said "Plucked!")

Only an eedeeot vould go to fight in Bushco's oil var vhen Bush refuses to grant gay couples ze right to have our relationships validated viz a piece of paper from a state bureaucracy. Stopping Islamic expansioneesm is only hokay eef you support full same-sex marriage rights... and put a mint on ze pillow of every terrorist after their spa treatment and interrogation.

John Kerry showed his brains by marrying dumb rich veeman on ze rebound. Zat takes brains and guts, dahlinks. You peasants should listen more to John Kerry, no?

Right Place? Wrong.

This little Right Place right wing hit piece is finished.

Those of you on the other side who formerly came here for captionly reasons, I feel... your pain. I'm biting my lip now to show my sincerity.

And I believe your pain should be safe, legal and well done.

Jim Webb Can Put His Uglies in My Mouth Anytime!

Andrianna is just saying, dahlinks. Vot? You disagree with Andrianna. Vot are you, some kind of moralizing Christianist? Andrianna distributes Derbyshire awards to all of you.

P.S. Andrianna's book is wonderful. Andrianna says so.

Polls Bah

Oh, Mao honey, don't you believe those silly little polls. They been saying my singing career is over, but they 's jes wrong! It's those stupid country music fans. They don't know nothin' that's why we dumped them!

We Must Protect the Children 1.0

Teenagers† were targeted by a sleazy Republican Congressman. They received inappropriate emails and "instant messages". This is despicible.

†We must note, however, the teenagers were at or above the age of consent in the jurisdiction and some were even at or above the national age of majority.

{There. I said it. Okay now? They're still teenagers until the day they turn 20 dammit.}

‡NOTE: This blog in no way endorses the behavior of that particular congressman or any public figure who engages in similar behavior.†

The Chairman Defines People

Polls reflect the opinion of the masses! Power to the people!

Upon further reflection, however, I question the accuracy of these polls. He says the Polls came from Texas - and not only from Texas but from a Kinko's in Texas. This makes them inherently unreliable! He should use made-up polls instead. Made-up polls accurately reflect the opinion of the People, and therefore tell us far more about the outcome of elections than polls of non-people! Permit the Chairman to explain why in Chairman's Lesson #3: Republicans and Texans Are Not People.

Valid polls are polls which state the opinion of the people. Polls which do not state the opinion of the people are invalid and must be ignored (even if they reflect what conservatives call "reality" - which is in fact merely a Republican construct designed to wrongfully categorize Republicans as people, and therefore subject to dismissal without further consideration). Here is the simple test to determine whether a living being is a People (and therefore possessing a valid opinion):

1. Republicans are not People. (We start with this because. Everyone knows it's true.)
2. Anyone who disagrees with The Chairman or the (Democratic) Party are not people. (They are pawns of the Evil Darth W and His Stormtroopers of Corporate Greed.).
3. Those who correct The Chairman's grammar are not people. (You thought you had me at #2, didn't you!)

Now, Texans are all gun-toting Republicans. Therefore, Texans are not people. (They may or may not also be witches. That depends upon an entirely different test.) The fact that they have guns is particularly bad, because guns kill people. Anyone who would use a gun wants to kill people and therefore is not people, because people don't kill people - gun-toting republicans kill people.

A quick review of this simple test reveals that This Man is relying on sources other than the People! His Polls are in error! He should immediately write a 100-word self-criticism explaining why it would be better - and more accurate - to use made-up polls which more accurately represent the opinions of the People.

The Right Wording is Everything, Mr. Kerry!

CindyHugo
Originally uploaded by GoldStarCindy.

I’ve heard some disappointing remarks from John Kerry about anyone joining our military being stupid. Being a Gold Star Mom for Peace, I’d like to share some insights that only I can.

My son was not stupid, he was duped. Duped, I tell you, by the evil neocons led by KKKarl Rove and his puppet, George “I’m A Nazi” Bush. No one who is in his right mind would join the military and fight for America. America is not worth dying for, as I’m sure you recall me saying in one of my many press conferences. Had my son known that he might actually have to sacrifice himself for my freedom to disparage his time in the service, he would have held on to my apron string a little longer.

Mr. Kerry, please have someone senior on your staff call my PR manager. I’m sure we can re-word what you said in a way that will keep those idiots who vote Republican in the dark. In the meantime, I’d like to remind you all about my latest book, Not One More Mother’s Child, on sale in fine book stores everywhere. I also have plenty of autographed pictures on hand that can be mailed to your home in a jiffy for a nominal fee. (Nutilee, you can have one for free if you send me one of your Ditzy Chix CDs. Did I tell you how much I looove country music?)

Oh, and Flav? You couldn’t handle the junk in my trunk!

Click here to see my profile!

And Now: A Public Service Announcement...

Hi, I'm Quasimodo.

You may not know my name, but I'm certain that my face rings a bell!

All my life, I have suffered from a horrible disfiguring condition. People have pointed and stared at me... and I haven't exactly been a hit with the ladies.

Now, there may be hope! Recently, I was told that if you vote for Democrats, all diseases will be cured, but if you vote for Republicans, people like me will continue to suffer!

Republicans don't care about people like me. They like it when people suffer and die! Only Democrats will allocate the money needed to continue such promising research as injecting the discarded brain matter of full-term fetuses into my hump... important research that provides hope where before there was none!

And don't you dare try telling me it's false hope! After all, if John Edwards can make Christopher Reeve walk again, I'm willing to believe that Democrats are capable of true miracles! Won't you please help?

Sanctuary!

Paid for by George Soros, because he cares!

Brocade 2.7

The sapphire drapes in the Blue Room are to die for!

And if everything works out according to plan.... They'll be mine! Mine I say! I deserve them!

{Hillary you already had them and I won't let you back in there!}

Frau Blücher (click for my profile) {Go ahead, click for the profile. Then click on the audio file there. Trust me....}

The Chairman Admonishes

Howard the Dean! You lack discipline! (That, and you name China third! People's Republic is much stronger, much better ally than Mexico and Canada. Plus, Chinese voters will put you in power and stay home! Can Mexicans say that? I think not!)

I think it's time for the next lesson: Great Helmsman's Rules for Party Discipline!

1. Person who brings the keg must also bring the cups.
2. Person who brings chips must also bring dip.
3. No one may put a lampshade on his head before the Chairman does.

Wait - wrong rules! Wrong rules! Let me find the right page...

(1) The individual is subordinate to the organization (and the organization is subordinate to whoever yells the loudest. Howard the Dean, you are still winning).
(2) The minority is subordinate to the majority (But not minoritIES. MinoritIES do whatever they want. As long as they are not Republicans or Christians, or other people we don't like.).
(3) The lower level is subordinate to the higher level (unless the higher level is Republican. Or Christian. Or someone we don't like. If Republicans are higher than you, get a bigger box.)
(4) The entire membership is subordinate to the Central Committee (I mean, Democratic National Committee. Of course, Democratic National Committee. Sorry. Little slip-up there.)

Remember! A revolution is not a dinner party! (It is more like a masquerade ball...)

Vonderful Vonderful, Dahlinks

Isn't it fahbulous, dahlinks? Ze Christianists are running out of Voshington like so many married men in a rest stop police raid!

Now is ze time to real cunsuhvatism, and as ve all know, dahlinks, only Andrianna may define real cunsuhvatism, as Andrianna did in Andrianna's New York Times bestseller... The Conservative Soul: How We Lost It, How To Get It Back (Remember vhen zat awful awful Hugh Hewiit hijacked Andrianna's interview. What kind of host hijacks an interview on his own show, Really dahlinks!)

So, now, as Andrianna's good friend Noncy takes ze speaker's gavel, and Andrianna's good friend and real estate advisuh Harry Reid takes over ze Senate, Andrianna vill now lecture you on Vot it means to be a cunsuhvative:

• Real cunsuhvatism means accepting that America is alvays wrong, and ve need to pay more taxes
• Real cunsuhvatism means Mapplethorpe! Mapplethorpe! Mapplethorpe!
• Real cunsuhvatism, dahlinks, means pumping your forehead full of Botox until you qvalify as a Superfund site.

Now, dahlinks, Andrianna vill search through Andrianna's inbox to find sycophantic emails zat reinforce Andrianna's position. Zen. Andrianna will share zem viz you. Until ze next time, dahlinks, Kiss Kiss,

Flavor of Love: Washington - Part 4

Yeeeeaaaahhhh Booooyyyy

It's Flavor Flav and I'm Right in the Place.

You know what time it is? It's time to send another girl home. We sent home Hair for being a dude, Hottie for eating my clock, Crazy and Goldie for being nuttier than a fruitcake. Let's axe one more.

Yo Drinks you was fun to hang out wit. I kept up with you - drink for drink, but why did you go and hit the Windex? That is mad sick and you have got to go.

Also "Frau Blücher" or whoever you are. To me you are "Georgia". Now give me back my clock you money grubbing ho!

It's down to Ping Pong and New York. Who will win?

Here are the remaining dope girls that will be trying for my love:
Nancy Pelosi as "Georgia"
Ann Coulter as "Goldie"
Michelle Malkin as "Ping Pong"
John Edwards as "Hair"
Cynthia McKinney as "Crazy"
Kitty Dukakis as "Drinks"
Hillary Clinton as "New York"
Debbie Stabenow as "Hottie"

Hey Y'all

Oh, hey all y'all! I am soooo glad to be here with some normal people. Them cornservatives is jes driving me crazy! I jes can't stand them people followin' the Georgie around like he was important or something. So, we gonna get this party started or what?

The Great Helmsman Speaks

Bush is a paper tiger! All reactionaries are paper tigers!
Fortunately, the dead are not reactionary - which is why they make such good, reliable voters.

Great Helmsman's First Revolutionary Lesson: Dead voters are reliable voters.

You want to win the election? Bring out the dead in 2006!

Flavor of Love: Washington - Part 3

Yeeeeaaaahhhh Booooyyyy

It's Flavor Flav and I'm in the Right Place.

All right all right, it's time to send another girl home. We already sent home Hair for being a dude and Hottie for eating my clock. Let's axe one more.

Flavor: Yo Goldie...WHAT UP?
Goldie: Not much you liberal abortion-supporting slimeball.
Flavor: That aint no way to talk to me!
Goldie: What? Did I not speak slow enough for you? Were you left behind as a child?
Flavor: Damn. It's time for you to goose step out of my house!

Crazy: You go and get out of the house, you nazi whore!
Goldie: I hope you get a ticket to Gitmo, you america-hating douchebag.
Crazy: Oh, no you didn't you skinny legged bimbo!
Goldie: (spits)

Crazy: Her breath smells like burned popcorn covered in singed hair.
Flavor: Damn, both you bitchez are crazy and to leave.

So there you have it, two down tonight - only 4 more to go. Who'll be next?

Here are the remaining dope girls that will be trying for my love:
Nancy Pelosi as "Georgia"
Ann Coulter as "Goldie"
Michelle Malkin as "Ping Pong"
John Edwards as "Hair"
Cynthia McKinney as "Crazy"
Kitty Dukakis as "Drinks"
Hillary Clinton as "New York"
Debbie Stabenow as "Hottie"

I'm Cranky This Morning!

I didn't get enough sleep last night and today, I'm in a whining mood!

King George is manipulating our Judicial System! He's appointing people who support his ideals to the bench! The has never happened before, I sweart it!

Bush is going to drive this country into the ground! With a struggling economy, and oil prices being dictated by evil oil companies in Texas!


WAAH! WAAH! WAAH! WAAAAAH!

What are you thinking!

Flavor Flav - Nancy Pelosi - you make big mistake!

A revolution is not a dinner party, foolish men! (What? Pelosi not man? You jest, right? Looks like man to me.) Your silliness has called me back from beyond my grave to teach you thing or two about revolution.

You think you can pull off White House coup without me? Hah. You much mistaken. (I am a legend, you know. A legend in my own mind.) You too, Cindy Sheehan! You think you understand cult of personality? Prepare to take lessons from the master.

Fortunately, I am benevolent (and too dead to lead this Revolution myself) so I will teach you what I know. Starting with this: Take off those foolish glasses, Pelosi. Everyone know blinders should be rose colored. Yours are too close to fuschia.

Now listen up, as I give Lessons in Revolution for Make Benefit Glorious Party of Moonbattery.

Showin' My Poll

I tell you, we got us an avalanche, a tsunami of Democratic suck-cess comin' y'alls way next week. I've been out doin' research, a sci-en-ti-fic poll that proves conclusively what I been tellin' y'all.

We polled over 2000 men an' women from a cross-section of American society. We got educated ones - teachers and college history professors. We talked to their grad students. We got the word from blue collar workers of the SEIU and AFL-CIO. We polled professionals like trial attorneys and journalists. The re-sults cannot be argued with, it's gonna be a wipe out, spreadin' faster than a wildfire set by a e-co-terrorist!

82% of this broad cross-section is votin' Democratic next week. You can kiss that radical right-wing agenda goodbye. So y'all can just pack up yo' bags and start lookin' for a job back home. They's gonna be a new sheriff in town, and his name is Loo-see-ana Jim, I tell you what.

Flavor of Love: Washington - Part 2

Yeeeeaaaahhhh Booooyyyy

It's Flavor Flav taking over this Right Place.

All right all right, it's time to send another girl home, because - unlike my man Billy Clinton, I can handle only one. We already sent home Hair because she was a dude.

Hottie is the next to go. I'm sorry baby, we had a good time, but you ate the damn clock!

It's time for you to go.





Here are the remaining dope girls that will be trying for my love:
Nancy Pelosi as "Georgia"
Ann Coulter as "Goldie"
Michelle Malkin as "Ping Pong"
John Edwards as "Hair"
Cynthia McKinney as "Crazy "
Kitty Dukakis as "Drinks"
Hillary Clinton as "New York"
Debbie Stabenow as "Hottie"

Investigations 1.2

Our 'Culture of Corruption' blinders will be worn proudly as we investigate every little detail of every Republican nominee, appointee, electee, and their families, friends, and yes, even their iguanas.



{My "Culture of Corruption" Blinders are a nice fuscia shade so I can wear them at Code Pink events here in the City by the Bay.}



Frau Blücher (click for my profile)