Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Chairman Defines People

Polls reflect the opinion of the masses! Power to the people!

Upon further reflection, however, I question the accuracy of these polls. He says the Polls came from Texas - and not only from Texas but from a Kinko's in Texas. This makes them inherently unreliable! He should use made-up polls instead. Made-up polls accurately reflect the opinion of the People, and therefore tell us far more about the outcome of elections than polls of non-people! Permit the Chairman to explain why in Chairman's Lesson #3: Republicans and Texans Are Not People.

Valid polls are polls which state the opinion of the people. Polls which do not state the opinion of the people are invalid and must be ignored (even if they reflect what conservatives call "reality" - which is in fact merely a Republican construct designed to wrongfully categorize Republicans as people, and therefore subject to dismissal without further consideration). Here is the simple test to determine whether a living being is a People (and therefore possessing a valid opinion):

1. Republicans are not People. (We start with this because. Everyone knows it's true.)
2. Anyone who disagrees with The Chairman or the (Democratic) Party are not people. (They are pawns of the Evil Darth W and His Stormtroopers of Corporate Greed.).
3. Those who correct The Chairman's grammar are not people. (You thought you had me at #2, didn't you!)

Now, Texans are all gun-toting Republicans. Therefore, Texans are not people. (They may or may not also be witches. That depends upon an entirely different test.) The fact that they have guns is particularly bad, because guns kill people. Anyone who would use a gun wants to kill people and therefore is not people, because people don't kill people - gun-toting republicans kill people.

A quick review of this simple test reveals that This Man is relying on sources other than the People! His Polls are in error! He should immediately write a 100-word self-criticism explaining why it would be better - and more accurate - to use made-up polls which more accurately represent the opinions of the People.

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