Monday, August 01, 2005

We Now Join the "Save Air America Radio" Telethon, Already in Progress...

AL FRANKEN: Hello. It's me again, Al Franken. It is now hour number 14 of the Save Air America Radio Telethon on Current, the wonderful new "non-partisan" cable television network co-owned by our good friend, the one and only truly legitimate President of the United States, Al Gore! Thank you, Al!

JANEANE GAROFALO: Yes, thank you, Al! And thank you, too, Al!

AL FRANKEN: No, thank you, Janeane! And a great big thank you to all the wonderful folks at Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club!

JANEANE GAROFALO: (Whispering) Uhh... ixnay on the Loriagay Iseway, Al!

AL FRANKEN: Oh, right! Forget I said anything! By the way, Janeane, were you aware that Al Gore invented the Internet? And that he and his wife Tipper were the inspiration for "Love Story"?

JANEANE GAROFALO: Of course, Al! What a truly great American he is! And what a shame it is that his Presidency was stolen from him by that Nazi douchebag, Chimpy Bushitler!

AL FRANKEN: And that is why it is so important to keep Air America Radio on the air, to bring the truth to the American people and to force all these evil fascist neocons from power! You will never ever get to hear the truth again if big fat lying idiots like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have their way! As most of you know, the conservatives have now taken over all of the media through evil corporate conglomerates - Air America Radio is our last, best hope for the truth! Only you can save us all from a fate worse than death! The fate of the entire world rests on your generosity! Dig deep - give until it hurts! And now, let us check in with our own Jerry Springer, for the latest totals on the old tote board! Jerry?

JERRY SPRINGER: Thank you, Janeane and Al! A big wet Air America Radio kiss goes out to Ms. Carrie A. Grudge of Berkeley, California for her generous donation of $0.13 and a stale Cheeto, all of which she just found by digging deep... deep into the cushions of a couch in her dorm floor lounge! Thank you, Carrie! Every little bit helps! And after 14 hours, that brings our grand total to a stunning $227.69! Be certain to stay tuned, because later on, I will be mud wrestling two nude toothless midgets with triple-D-cup sized breasts, live on the air - and at least one of them, is a man! And now, over to you, Randi!

RANDI RHODES: Thank you, Jerry! Thank you so much! And now, I'm here with a surprise guest, Pennsylvania Democrat, Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll! What brings you here today, Lieutenant Governor Knoll?

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: I just came by to say how sorry I am for your loss, dear.

RANDI RHODES: My loss? I don't understand...

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: I just want you to know that the State of Pennsylvania is against this terrible and illegal War in Iraq...

RANDI RHODES: Well, good for you!

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: (Hands Randi her business card) Here's my card, dear. I am the Lieutenant Governor of Pennsylvania, you know.

RANDI RHODES: Umm, why, yes... I did already mention that...

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: I think that it is just awful your family had to lose such a fine young man because of George W. Bush and his wicked little war!

RANDI RHODES: I'm not sure I know what you're talking about...

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: Our soldiers should be home with their families, not out protecting our country against terrorists! It's just awful he had die for nothing! (Crying) These funerals always make me so sad!

RANDI RHODES: Um, Lieutenant Governor Knoll... I don't know how to tell you this... this isn't a funeral. There are no dead soldiers here.

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: (Wiping her eyes) This isn't a funeral for a fallen soldier?

RANDI RHODES: No, ma'am, there's no funeral here at all!

CATHERINE BAKER KNOLL: Well, you could have fooled me, I could have sworn this was a funeral!

JANEANE GAROFALO: Thank you, Randi! We'll be right back with more super celebrity guests spewing virulent anti-American rhetoric, like Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, Sean Penn, chess great Bobby Fischer, Bill Maher, Barbra Streisand, Ed Asner, film director Robert Altman, Whoopi Goldberg, Alec Baldwin, Woody Harrelson, Harry Belafonte, Sandra Bernhard, comedienne Margaret Cho, Martin Sheen, Danny Glover, Jane Fonda, sportscaster Jim Lampley and the Dixie Chicks, right after this important message...

ANNOUNCER: Hello. I would like to take a moment to tell you all about the Gloria Wise Boys & Girls Club. When you give a generous donation to Gloria Wise, or we receive tax-payer funds to help disadvantaged children, we want to reassure you that we will always see to it that your money is spent wisely, just as you - or the authorities, had intended...

Several weeks later...

AL FRANKEN: Hello. It's me again, Al Franken. Unfortunately, as most of you know by now, our little telethon a few weeks ago fell far short of expectations, and due to declining ratings and increasing legal costs resulting from our little, um... problem, we were forced to sell the network. As of today, you will no longer have me, Al Franken, to kick around anymore. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough. And doggone it - nobody likes me! Due to the recent buyout of the Air America Radio network, we are now turning over the airwaves to the good folks who brought the world al-Jazeera Television. It has been wonderful working here this past year and a half, and I will miss you all terribly. But that's okay, come January of 2009, I will be sworn in as the new United States Senator from Minnesota, replacing that lying sack of crap, Norm Coleman - that is, as long as enough people up there in my home state are surgically lobotomized before the election. Now, let me hand things over to your new midday host, Kamil Fukar. Take it away, Kamil!

KAMIL FUKAR: Praise be to Allah! This is Air al-Jazeera America! Death to George W. Bush!!! Death to America!!! America is the Great Satan! George W. Bush is the Devil! All Christians are infidels! The attacks of 9/11 were not committed by Muslims, it was all a plot by the Israeli Government and the evil Bush Administration to trick you! Your President is lying to you! The War in Iraq is a great sin against an innocent people! American soldiers are murdering women and children in cold blood while they rape the land and pillage its oil for an evil and corrupt capitalist government and its co-conspirators in big business! America is an evil Imperialist abomination! It is guilty of murder, torture and unspeakable crimes against the peaceful children of Islam! The war must be stopped! The great war criminal, George W. Bush must be brought to justice!...

Several hours later...

WOMAN: Is that Air America you're listening to?

MAN: Why, yes, it is!

WOMAN: I heard they have an all new line-up of talent starting today, what's it like?

MAN: New line-up? That's strange... it sounds exactly the same to me - except... I was really wondering why no one had mentioned Karl Rove yet today!


If you enjoyed this bit of satire, you might also enjoy:

You Just Might Be a Moonbat...

Selections from the "Donktionary"

The Far-Left's Favorite Soap Opera: Get Bush!

Top Secret Democrat Party Strategy Meeting - Exposed!

The Moonbat Song

Glenn Reynolds Copyrights the Word "Indeed," Threatens to Bill Much of Blogosphere Right out of Existence!

...and "The Hill-Orgy of Errors":

Hillary Clinton's Secret Love Affair Exposed!

Bigfoot Takes His Own Life!

The Right Place Stands By Its Story!


UPDATE 8/8: Proudly presenting the newest addition to the satire series:

Democrats Give up on Winning, Push for More "Spectacular" Losses


Thanks for the links!

Lorie Byrd at PoliPundit
Basil at Basil's Blog
Tom Blumer at BizzyBlog
Howie at The Jawa Report
Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
a4g at Point Five
LeatherPenguin at LeatherPenguin
B.C., Imperial Torturer at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
dw at Four Right Wing Wackos
Razor at Bennelli Brothers

This post is featured in:

Carnival of the Clueless #8 at Right Wing Nut House.
The 150th Carnival of the Vanities at Riding Sun.
Carnival of Comedy (#14) at Right Wing Duck.
Carnival of the Insanities at Doctor Sanity.

Be certain to check out more of the fine participants in these excellent events!

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