Monday, August 22, 2005

George W. Bush and the Holy Grail

And now for something completely different...


[Exterior - Day, Washington, D.C.]

(Mist swirls about. Hoofbeats can be heard in the distance, growing closer. Out of the mist, drives a limo, surrounded by several Secret Service Agents, each of whom is banging two hollowed out half-coconut shells together, for apparently no reason other than to make horsey clip-clop noises. The coconut banging ceases with a flourish as the limo comes to a stop in the street, blocked by protesters. We can see the U.S. Capitol in the distance, beyond the protestors. The window rolls down, President George W. Bush leans his head out.)

BUSH: Excuse me, Miss...

HIPPIE: (Carrying a badly misspelled sign about "Fashizm" and reeking of b.o. and hemp.) I'm a man, Man!

BUSH: Oh, sorry about that, it's the long hair... look I really need to get to the Capitol, do you think maybe you and your friends could get out of the street?

HIPPIE: I'm only like 54, man! I'm not old!

BUSH: I never said you were... look, there's a war on and I need to...

HIPPIE: Did you say a war, Man? Not while my generation's alive! The sixties will never die! You can't make 'em die!

BUSH: Look, I didn't want the war, we were attacked by terrorists...

HIPPIE: I know all about your war, Man! It's all about oil! And you lied! You're like, evil and stuff, you Nazi pig!

BUSH: What are you talking about?

HIPPIE: You think other countries are inferior and stuff, so you treat 'em like your slaves, Man! Well, they don't have to take that from you! And besides, you didn't get permission from the French!

FRENCHMAN: 'Allo? Whoo is thees?

BUSH: Hello, sir! I am President Bush, and I urgently need to get to the Capitol! Can you please move along out of the street...

FRENCHMAN: Of course not, you imperialist pig! Go boil your bottom, you son of a silly person! I blow my nose on you, you empty-headed food-trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time! (Walks away.)

BUSH: Look, folks, I am sorry if I did or said anything to offend you, but I'm the President and I need to get to the Capitol...

HIPPIE: Oh, real nice. President, huh! So you've got a real nice mansion and cool threads and stuff. And how d'you get that? By exploiting the workers, Man! By jiving us with your imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic injustices in our society!

FEMINIST: (To Hippie.) Hey, Pigpen! There's some great acid over here... (Looks up at President Bush.) Oh! It's you! (Spits on the ground in disgust.)

BUSH: How do you do ma'am? I was wondering if you and your friends would be so kind as to...

FEMINIST: Don't you "ma'am" me, you sexist pig! Who do you think you are???

BUSH: I'm the President of the United States. Now, if you would be so kind as to...

FEMINIST: Well, you ain't my President! I never voted for you, and neither did anybody else here! Selected not elected!!!

CROWD: (Chanting.) Selected not elected!!! Selected not elected!!! Selected not elected!!!...

BUSH: Excuse me...

CROWD: (Chanting.) Selected not elected!!! Selected not elected!!! Selected not elected!!!...

BUSH: (Retrieves a bullhorn from inside the limo and begins speaking with it.) My fellow Americans, may I have your attention for a moment, please? (Chanting goes on as he continues to speak through the aid of the bullhorn.) I have urgent business to attend to at the Capitol! There are evil people who want to kill us all and end our way of life, and I'm trying to stop them! Now, you don't have to help, but could y'all please just get out of the way?

(Chanting continues in background. President Bush continues to need bullhorn to be heard as the scene continues...)

HIPPIE: You ain't our President man, we didn't vote for you!

BUSH: I won the election!

FEMINIST: We demand a recount!

BUSH: We had 2 recounts, I won them both!

FEMINIST: Then keep counting until the other guy wins!

(Crowd cheers approvingly, then continues chanting.)

BUSH: Look, the Supreme Court...

HIPPIE: No! You look, Man! A bunch of freaks in black robes stepping in and stopping the endless recounts of dubious ballots in cherry-picked counties and thereby foiling our efforts to change the results of an election that didn't turn out the way we wanted it to, is no basis for a government, Man! Now... when the courts make up laws that we like out of whole cloth with no basis whatsoever in the Constitution, that's just groovy, Dude! But when we don't get our way, that's bogus!!! Help! We're being repressed!!!

(President Bush rolls up the window.)

BUSH: Driver, could you just find another route, please?



[Steps of Capitol Hill - Day]

(President Bush and numerous Republican members of Congress and the Administration walk up the steps and are stopped at the entrance by the imposing figure of Sir Daschardt, "The Black Knight", adorned in shimmering black medieval armor.)

BUSH: Good morning, Sir!

DASCHARDT: (Drawing his mighty broadsword.) Halt! Who goes there?

BUSH: It's just me, President Bush! Look, if you've got a few minutes I'd like to meet with you and some of the others to work on a new legislative agenda...

DASCHARDT: Nothing shall pass!

BUSH: Look, I came here to be a uniter, not a divider! And there's a war going on! If you'd only give me the chance, I'm sure we could work together for the good of the American people...

DASCHARDT: Nothing shall pass!

BUSH: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way...

DASCHARDT: Your Administration shall wither and die!!!

(Sir Karl Rove steps forward, drawing his sword.)

ROVE: Let me take care of this, Mr. President!

(Daschardt and Rove clash in a furious sword battle for several minutes, then, with a keen stroke, Rove lops off Daschardt's left arm at the shoulder.)

ROVE: You fought well, brave adversary, now stand aside!

DASCHARDT: 'Tis but a scratch!

ROVE: A scratch? We've taken the House of Representatives from you!

DASCHARDT: No, you haven't!

ROVE: Actually, we took it back in 1994, but for the purposes of this sketch, it is represented by the symbolically severed arm on the ground over there!

DASCHARDT: My party's had worse!

ROVE: Liar!

DASCHARDT: Have at you!

(The battle begins anew. Rove severs Daschardt's right arm in short order.)

ROVE: Victory is ours! We have now taken back the Senate, which you had stolen from us without the benefit of an election! Now that we have lopped off both Houses of Congress, you have no arms left, stand aside!

DASCHARDT: Not so fast!

(Daschardt runs over and begins kicking President Bush with his left leg.)

ROVE: This is ludicrous, you have no arms!

DASCHARDT: It's just a flesh wound! Our party is invincible!

(Daschardt kicks Bush repeatedly.)

ROVE: Stop that! Look, I'm warning you...

DASCHARDT: (To Bush, still kicking him.) Filibuster! Obstruction! Filibuster! Obstruction! Had enough, yet?

ROVE: You're a looney! Haven't you heard there's a war on? We haven't got time for this!

(Rove chops both of Daschardt's legs out from under him, leaving him a limbless torso on the Capitol steps.)

ROVE: Right! Now we've had YOU voted out of office, won popular re-election by several million votes, and increased our advantage in both Houses of Congress! You're finished! (Sheaths his sword and turns away.)

(President Bush, Sir Karl, and the rest of the entourage proceed past the helpless Sir Daschardt into the Capitol.)

DASCHARDT: I'm not licked yet! Come back and fight me, you sissies! I'll bite your kneecaps off! You stole the election again, I saw you steal it! I demand a recount!!! There are thousands of dead Sioux who are being disenfranchised in South Dakota alone!!!



[Halls of the Capitol - Day]

BUSH: (To his entourage as they walk through the hallway, towards the Capitol Rotunda.) Thank God that's over with, now maybe we can finally get something done!

(Suddenly, standing before them, blocking their way, is the entire Democratic Caucus and their Party Chairman, Howard Dean.)

BUSH: Howdy, folks! Glad you're all here, listen if we could just talk about some of what we need to do for the country...

DEMOCRATS: (In unision.) Nay!

DEAN: We are the Knuts Who Say "Nay!" and we shall say "Nay!" to you, until you appease us!

BUSH: Alright, then, perhaps we can work something out. What is it that you want?

DEAN: It's not what we want that matters, for we have no positive agenda! It's what we don't want that matters!

BUSH: Alright, then, what is it that you don't want?

DEAN: We don't want our President to be... a shrubbery!

BUSH: Come again?

DEMOCRATS: (In unision.) Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay!...

BUSH: Alright! Alright! I just don't understand what it is that you folks want?

DEAN: Whatever you want, we don't want it! Whatever you propose, we are against it! Whatever you say, we will argue with you and call you names simply for the sake of being opposed!

BUSH: What does that accomplish?

DEAN: Nothing, but it makes us feel good! Yeeeeaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!

DEMOCRATS: (In unision.) Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay! Nay!...

(President Bush turns to the Republican Senators for help, but many of them are running in circles, cupping their hands over their ears.)

BUSH: Why are they all doing that?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, Mr. President, the Senate is not like the House. A lot of the Republicans over there, well... they're a bunch of pantywaists, to be frank with you! They're afraid of the Knuts Who Say "Nay!"

BUSH: What can we do?

CHENEY: Well, I suppose we'll just have to discuss using... (Whispers into the President's ear.)

BUSH: (Repeating the whispered term aloud.) The Noo-kyu-luhr Option?

(The Democrats all immediately stop yelling "Nay!" and audibly gasp in unision.)

DEAN: Stop saying that word!

BUSH: What word?

DEAN: The word we cannot bear to hear because you mangle it so!

BUSH: You mean "noo-kyu-luhr"?

(The Democrats all gasp again.)

DEAN: Stop saying it!

BUSH: Noo-kyu-luhr! Noo-kyu-luhr! Noo-kyu-luhr! Noo-kyu-luhr! Noo-kyu-luhr!...

(The Democrats all begin screaming in terror, while rolling around on the floor, covering their ears.)

BUSH: Great idea, Dick! It worked like a charm! Now, quickly... let's get some things done around here before they come to their senses!



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Or feel free to check out our Main Page. Thank you for visiting The Right Place!


Thanks for the links!

Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
Betsy Newmark, guest-blogging at Michelle Malkin
Don Surber at Don Surber
Giacomo at Joust the Facts
Poca Dot at It'sAPundit
Gullyborg at Resistance Is Futile!
Bruce the Human Pet at Conservative Cat

A very special thank you to The Anchoress, who has been doing more linking than blogging the last few days, for reasons that become obvious if you read her blog. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

AJ Strata at The Strata-Sphere
Oregano at Cafe Oregano
Kitty Myers at Lifelike Pundits
Isaac Schrödinger at Isaac Schrödinger
Charles at DND, Law School, and Life
Brad Warbiany at The Unrepentant Individual
Daniel at Random Thoughts of a Confessional Lutheran
Dan Melson at Searchlight Crusade

This post is featured in:

Carnival of the Clueless #11 at Right Wing Nut House
Carnival of the Vanities #153 at The Big Picture
Carnival of Comedy #17 at The Conservative UAW Guy
Carnival of the Insanities at Dr. Sanity

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This post has been nominated for non-council post of the week by Watcher of Weasels!

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