Thursday, February 16, 2006

Long Feared "Bush Purge" Reportedly Now Underway, "Reality Based Community" Crying Out for Action

All over America, in the dead of night, liberals are disappearing --- kidnapped from their beds by marauding, brown-shirted, goose-stepping Republican goon-squads, who show them no mercy! At least, that is what many have come to believe...

It all began with whispers of a conspiracy on the far-left edge of the blogosphere weeks ago and has since blossomed into a full-fledged panic among many of those from the "Reality Based Community".

"Our worst fears have finally been realized! They've started rounding us up! I knew this was coming! I knew it!" screamed Ken Little, a frequenter of the Democratic Underground, or DU. "It's just like Hitler and the Nazis all over again! We tried to warn people, but they just wouldn't listen! Well, are you happy now??? Don't think Bush is gonna stop with us, he's coming for you, too! All of you --- well, except all you Fascist Neocon c***suckers, that is! I hope you all die!"

According to a source within the progressive community, who wished to remain anonymous "for obvious reasons," one of the first victims of the "Bush Purge" appears to be an unemployed former Philosophy major from Burlington, Vermont, Noah Smartz, whose Democratic Underground screen name of "Buck Fush" was legendary among his peers.

"He hasn't posted in weeks," said his friend, "and that's just not like him at all! He used to be in here all day, every day... I mean, it's not like he had anything better to do, being unemployed and all in Bushitler's Fascist Wonderland. His sudden extended absence got people talking. The way we figure it, it's proof positive, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Bushco has begun rounding us all up for extermination! I mean, what else COULD it be??? I really miss his wit - God, I loved that guy! Buck Fush --- now THAT'S comedy! I even changed my own screen name from "Republitards Sukkk" to "Chuck Feney" for awhile, but I changed it back because no one seemed to get the joke. They all thought Chuck was my real name."

Elsewhere, Helen Gonn of the Madison, Wisconsin chapter of the anti-war protest group, Mobilized Operatives Opposing Nazi Bush's American Tyranny, says that she has become very worried about two of her minions, life-partners Shirley Hugh-Geste and Lupe Azaloon, who have not attended the organization's last thirteen protest events over the past seven days.

"This is just not like them. They are truly committed to the cause. This past week we have protested against Chimpy McBushaliburton's illegal war for oil at several local gas stations, the VFW Hall, a war veteran's memorial and a local park where they recently planted some "bushes" --- we demanded they symbolically remove them from our public land the way Bush needs to be removed from office --- they wouldn't have missed any of these immeasurably important events unless something dreadful had happened to them! Bush is to blame, I'm certain of it! Him and his beady little eyes! He's got to be stopped! They're probably down at Gitmo by now being waterboarded and forced to listen to Christina Aguilera music in an overly air conditioned cell! Why isn't the press all over this? The Right-Wing Corporate Media is covering for Chimpy, that's why! It's a conspiracy!"

After we did a little checking, the Right Place was able to determine Ms. Gonn was right about at least one thing, Shirley and Lupe were indeed committed --- to the Rock County Mental Health Center in nearby Janesville.

"They're resting comfortably," said Dr. Ayman Yermind, assistant director of the facility. "It turns out they're both suffering from a severe form of paranoid delusional psychosis. The State Police brought them here just about a week ago after there were reports of them yelling at cars on the Interstate and spray painting anti-Bush slogans on tractor-trailers at a local truck stop. It seems they were convinced that the NSA was after them, wiretapping their brain waves and stealing their thoughts. They claimed they were trying to warn everybody. It's sad really. Synchronized delusions like that in two distinct individuals are quite rare... at least, they used to be."

Learning the true fate of her two missing M.O.O.N.B.A.T. associates did nothing to allay the fears of Ms. Gonn, who only claimed it was confirmation of her contention that the government was indeed rounding up left-wingers. "A mental institution? Ha! I knew it! It's all true --- it all makes sense, now! That's how they're going to do it! They'll just claim we're all insane and round us up out of 'concern' for our 'well-being'!!! Well, we're onto you now, Rove! You'll never get away with this," she screamed as she adjusted the chin-strap on her custom-designed tin-foil hat!

Harry Cheeks, the National Chairman of M.O.O.N.B.A.T., claims that another one of his operatives, Clarence Sales, disappeared earlier this week, shortly after checking a copy of "Fahrenheit 9/11" out of a public library in Austin, Texas. "They must have used the Patriot Act to obtain his library records, saw that he checked out that particular film, and hunted him down like an animal! It all fits! For all we know, that sick bastard Dick Cheney is now using him for target practice! Where does it all end? How many more innocent progressives must pay the ultimate price to make Bushitler's mad dreams of unlimited power over a Fascist Christian Theocracy come true??? When will anybody ever listen to us?"

According to widespread reports on numerous progressive blogs, Bush's secret police force, often referred to as the "Rethuglican Guard", has been using information gathered from illegal NSA wiretaps and little known super-secret provisions of the Patriot Act to form an enemies list and has begun to abduct those on it for brainwashing, torture, scientific experiments... and worse!

"I only hope that this finally wakes people up to the extent of the threat under which we all now must live," wrote blogger Screw the Chimp at his website Wake the F**k Up You Inbred Red State Retards. It should be noted that he is, in fact, the alter-ego of the missing Clarence Sales, who has gone "underground", but pledged to continue to "speak truth to power" until the bitter end --- something he now feels is inevitable. "This administration is capable of anything, up to and including a new Holocaust, which, it would now seem, is already underway! We in the Reality Based Community saw this coming, and we tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen! Now, it just may be too late, but I, for one, will keep on trying to expose this administration for what it really is: a vast criminal enterprise run by one George W. Bush, the grandson of a Nazi sympathizer, and a man who brazenly stole two Presidential Elections and countless House and Senate races to secure total and complete dictatorial power; Planned and executed, with help from the Israeli government, PNAC and Haliburton, a fake terrorist attack on his own country in order to have an excuse to start a war so he could begin to construct a secret oil pipeline in Afghanistan, then lied about WMD in Iraq to start another war for oil and is, even as I write this, preparing to start a third in Iran based on lies about a non-existent nuclear program there; Has repeatedly sought to repeal all of our Constitutional Rights using such dastardly means as the so-called "Patriot Act" and the NSA wiretaps of innocent Americans; Helped fix the outcome of stolen elections in Afghanistan, Australia, Great Britain, Iraq, Germany and Canada; Has committed and/or abetted, and then covered-up with the help of Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and their willing accomplices in the Corporate Media, countless crimes for which he and his entire administration should have been impeached; and, most importantly, is, as everyone knows, an addle-brained cokehead and drunkard who is too stupid to know how to tie his own shoelaces!"

The Right Place pledges to continue to report any and all developments on this deeply troubling story.

UPDATE: Noah Smartz, aka Buck Fush, has been located. He is currently residing in the Burlington City Jail awaiting arraignment on charges of possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute after being unable to post bond. He has pleaded not guilty and claims that Presidential Advisor Karl Rove framed him by phoning the police with an anonymous tip after secretly hiding the twenty-seven marijuana plants found growing in a makeshift hothouse in the closet of his bedroom, located in the basement of his parents' Burlington, Vermont home, where he still resides.


Thus endeth this week's dabbling in the art of SATIRE!


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This post is proudly featured in...

CARNIVAL OF LIBERALS' WRONGS #4 at The Liberal Wrong-Wing
CARNIVAL OF THE CLUELESS #33 at Right Wing Nut House
CARNIVAL OF COMEDY #43: DUBYA EDITION at Conservathink (and batting leadoff, no less! Thanks, Damian G.!)
CARNIVAL OF SATIRE #22 at the skwib

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