Monday, January 23, 2006

Sunspot Activity Causes Brief Interruption of Karl Rove's "Mind-Ray" - Democrats Claim Rare Moment of Sanity

For several odd minutes on Sunday afternoon, nearly every Democrat and prominent liberal celebrity or newsmaker in America was making a mad dash to find a camera and/or a microphone. Why? They all felt they had to let the world at large know that they truly are not as crazy as we have all been led to believe by their recent behavior!

"I don't know how long I have, so I will make this brief," said Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), who earlier this week was calling the Bush Administration one of the worst in history and comparing the Republican run Congress to a plantation in an MLK Day speech to a predominantly African-American audience. "I need everyone that hears this message to help get the word out --- I'm not insane. Honestly, I haven't taken leave of my senses! I don't intentionally go around screeching angry diatribes in public, I have no choice! You see, it's all due to a vast right wing conspiracy... Oh, no!... can't stop it... Bush is Hitler! Bush is Hitler!" The former First Lady then clucked like a chicken and skipped away from the podium, flapping her arms.

Meanwhile, former Vice President Al Gore (D-TN), who has recently been critical of the President's policies regarding NSA wiretaps, even going so far as to call him a criminal, had this to say, "Oh, God! Please help us! You've got to believe me, no one could be as loony as I have been acting since I lost the 2000 Election! They're in my head... the voices... can't control... HE BETRAYED THIS COUNTRY! Bush is a fascist! A fascist I tell you!" With that, he knocked over the podium and ran away.

Another curious statement came from Mayor Ray Nagin (D-New Orleans), who took quite a bit of political heat this week after saying he wanted to make New Orleans a chocolate city again and suggesting God was sending hurricanes to punish America for invading Iraq among other things. "Hello? Is this thing on? People, help me, please! My mind is not my own! I don't know what is happening to me, I feel like I am being controlled... like I'm some kind of... puppet... aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!... Bush hates black people! God will kill us all! New Orleans is going to be all chocolatey goodness, with a sweet caramel center and sprinkles on top! Wheeeeeeeee!!!"

Simultaneously, entertainer Harry Belafonte, who recently called President Bush the world's greatest terrorist while cavorting with Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, and who subsequently went on to compare the Department of Homeland Security with Hitler's Gestapo, released a statement through his publicist saying, "God help me, I only want to sing and make people happy, I don't know where this insanity comes from, please make it stop! I only wanted to sing about counting bananas, not to literally go bananas!"

Howard Dean, head of the DNC, blamed the Democrats' bizarre behavior of late on none other than President Bush's chief political advisor, Karl Rove. "You must understand, no rational political party would ever behave this way! People understand that, don't they? Rove is manipulating us, making us seem like a bunch of bat-sh*t crazy lunatics, to consolidate the Republican grip on power! It's all done through the use of a 'mind-ray' located... Oh, God!... Not now!... I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for! YEEEEEEEEARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!"

Similar statements flooded in from Rep. John Murtha (D-PA), Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), film director Michael Moore, former CBS News anchorman Dan Rather, anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan and thousands of others! Oddly enough, Sen. Edward Kennedy's (D-MA) office did not release a statement and, when contacted, replied that the Senator was not suffering from the effects of any mind-control device and was, quite simply, a complete fruitcake.

The Right Place contacted noted scientist Dr. Emmett Brown, who posited that some recent solar activity may have temporarily blocked the effect of the "Rovian Mind-Ray" (patent pending). "It is conceivable that a brilliant political strategist like Mr. Rove would possess such a device, and if, if mind you, there were such a device operating during the sun-spot eruptions we've seen of late, it is quite possible they may have disrupted its effects for a short period of time. The strange thing is, I have been hearing rumors about such a ray for years, and I have heard of people using tin-foil headgear in an effort to protect themselves from it, but I must warn against such a thing! You see, aluminum foil would only serve to increase the effects of a ray such as this, making the wearer even more vulnerable to it! Make certain you let people know that, or we'll all be subjected to more insane threads about Bush conspiring with bin Laden at the Daily Kos!"

The White House refused all comment on the subject, but we must admit the concept of a mind control device being used against the left does make some sense. It would, after all, go a long way towards explaining the decline of Democrat sanity and civility the past several years, wouldn't it?

[Hat-tips: Haximus, Lorie Byrd]


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