Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Ronnie Earle Indicts Much of Texas on Conspiracy Charges

Travis County, Texas Prosecutor Ronnie Earle issued a press release earlier today stating that he had sought and obtained an indictment against millions of Texas residents on charges of "Conspiracy to Elect Republicans." He also charged them all as "Accessories to Murder" in the case of Casey Sheehan, son of professional protester and media-whore, Cindy Sheehan. Earle stated that he will seek the death penalty against all of the defendants, cutting Texas' population roughly in half.

"It is high time we exterminated these sub-human pests from amongst us," said Earle to thunderous applause at a press conference/Democratic fund-raiser in Austin shortly after the indictment was issued. "The individuals named in this indictment are low-life scum who have contributed money to, put up yard signs supporting and, as difficult as it may be for any of you to believe, even voted for Republican candidates for elected office at all levels of government, many of them on multiple occasions spanning dozens of years!" Audible gasps of horror could be heard throughout the crowd as he spoke. One woman strangely resembling disgraced CBS News Producer Mary Mapes, wept openly.

Earle went on to detail the murder accessory charges, stating, "These sick perverts even had the unmitigated gall to help re-elect a man to the Presidency of the United States who murdered the child of that sweet woman, Cindy Sheehan, in cold blood! I don't know about any of you, but in my book that makes them accessories after the fact, and for their heinous crimes, they must pay with their very lives! Besides, when Michael Moore contacted me and said he would appreciate this outcome as the ending for his latest masterpiece, I was more than happy to oblige!"

A giddy Chris Matthews giggled like a schoolgirl and wet himself on the set of his MSNBC show "Goofball" "Hardball" while delivering the news to his audience, stating, "We finally got 'em all! Every registered Republican in the entire state of Texas is as good as gone!!!"

The rest of the mainstream press wasted no time in coloring the State of Texas blue for the 2008 Presidential Election on their network election maps. "We all know they're guilty as Hell, what do we need to wait for a trial for?" explained one former Network Anchorman who would only identify himself as 'Dan', "and since when did we ever wait for actual election returns to project a state we felt we could call for a Democrat?"

There was no indication of the existence of any physical evidence in the curiously worded indictment, which was handed down after a grueling 35 second session by a hand-picked Grand Jury put together from a list of major contributors, few of whom actually reside in Texas. Earle dismissed out of hand any questions about the lack of evidence, the make-up of the Grand Jury, and the failure to indict anyone by the previous 73 Grand Juries he had impaneled before this one. "Anyone asking those kinds of questions is obviously a filthy Republican bastard, and I have issued orders to shoot to kill any such individual," responded Earle, "consider this your only warning!"

Meanwhile, with warrants now out for their arrests, several well-known right-wing Texas bloggers have gone underground, vowing to keep posting from a variety of safe-houses across the Lone Star State. As of this posting, none could be reached for comment, though The Right Place vows to keep trying.

In unrelated news, the mainstream press continued to go to great lengths in their coverage of the trial of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, to avoid jumping to conclusions about the guilt of the so-called "Butcher of Baghdad," expressing a great deal of concern about his ability to receive a fair trial.



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Thanks for the links!

Bruce the Human Pet at The Conservative Cat
Poca Dot at It's a Pundit
Poca Dot, guest starring at Basil's Blog
Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
Headmistress SondraK at Knowledge Is Power
Howie at The Jawa Report
The Texas Songbird
Michael Silence at KnoxNews
Brandon at Grapevine's Ramblings
Gateway Pundit
Bill Faith at Small Town Veteran
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose on Your Face
Wordjunky at Great Smoky [Could it be? A left-winger with a sense of humor about this?]

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