Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Latest Mainstream Media "Poll" - Exposed!

With their latest attempts at "weighting" Republicans at next-to-nonexistent levels, it seems that the "mainstream" media these days is growing more and more desperate to make President Bush's poll numbers look even worse than they really are. So what do they do for an encore?

In another Right Place exclusive, we have managed to get a hold of an advance copy of a new poll scheduled to be conducted this weekend. Let's take a peek at it, shall we?...


NOTE: All calls are to be made between Friday night and Sunday afternoon, when you are least likely to get a hold of many {shudder} Republicans. Calls should be concentrated in inner-city areas of the Northeast and on the West Coast as well as specially selected metropolitan areas and college campuses elsewhere. (Please consult attached list of "safe zones.")

The list of questions for this week is as follows...

What is your sex?

a) Male.
b) Female.
c) Transgendered.
d) Hermaphrodite.
e) Eunich.
f) Paid professional.
g) Self-serve only.

What is your approximate age?

a) It is still legal for me to be aborted by my Mommy.
b) Jail bait!
c) 18-34.
d) 35-49.
e) 50-64.
f) 65 or older.
g) Deceased.
h) Deceased, but still registered to vote in a Democrat stronghold!

If you are naive enough to believe in a so-called "God," what religion do you practice, if any?

a) Atheist.
b) Agnostic.
c) Wiccan.
d) Satanist.
e) Hari-Krishna.
f) Buddhist.
g) I worship our Mother Earth!
h) Dignified Native American, who deserves to hate and kill us all!
i) Repressed Muslim, who deserves to hate and kill us all!
j) Jewish - but cool (like Streisand).
k) Zionist Jew pig!
l) Some goofy cult, like Christianity.

What is your approximate yearly household income?

a) Unemployed.
b) Under $20k/year.
c) Much too rich!

Which of the following best describes you?

a) *Republican.
b) Democrat.
c) Independent.
d) Other.
e) Uninterested in politics.

*NOTE: If respondent answers "Republican," call them rude names and hang up immediately. Record their information so that the proper authorities may deal with them when the correct order of things is restored and so that they are never again surveyed by us.

Are you a registered voter?

a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Uncertain.
d) You mean like a cash register?

In the 2004 Presidential Election, you...

a) Voted for John Kerry.
b) **Voted for George W. Bush.
c) Voted for Ralph Nader.
d) Voted for someone else.
e) Did not vote.
f) What? There was an election last year?

**NOTE: If respondent answers "Voted for George W. Bush," blow a high pitched whistle in their ear and hang up immediately. Record their information so that they can be exterminated when the correct order of things is restored and so that they are never again surveyed by us. You may have a few moments to cry and then compose yourself before making another call.

How would you characterize the ridiculously awful job being done by this incompetent boob we laughingly call our President, George W. Bush?

a) Poor.
b) Very poor.
c) Horrible.
d) Beyond horrible.
e) It's the end of all civilization!!!
f) I'm too stupid to know what a boob he really is.
g) What was the question again? I don't know how to answer a simple poll.

What one issue facing our country today is most important to you?

a) Bush must resign!
b) Cheney must resign!
c) Karl Rove must resign!
d) Tom DeLay must rot in jail forever!
e) Death to Scooter Libby!
f) U.S. out of Iraq now!
g) Protect legalized abortion at all costs!!!
h) Global warming - it's killing us all!
i) The rich don't pay enough taxes!
j) All of the above (of course)!
k) You really don't care about anything, do you?

Would you say this country is heading in the right direction or wrong direction?

a) Wrong direction.
b) A little more to the left, please.
c) A LOT more to the left, please!
d) It doesn't matter anyway, "Bird Flu" will soon kill us all!

Should the unrelentingly EVIL Karl Rove be fired by the incompetent President Bush so that this country can actually survive, which it surely will not do unless he is terminated immediately?

a) Yes, of course!
b) Are you kidding? Fire his corrupt ass!
c) While you're at it, Chimpy - why don't you resign, too!
d) No - I am a racist and a Nazi and I HATE the concept of ethical government.
e) I'm too stupid to know how to comprehend this survey and can offer no opinion.

Valerie Plame was obviously a super-secret covert agent and the White House is guilty of committing an unforgivable act of treason against the United States by "outing" her in an act of cold, calculated vengeance! What should happen next?

a) Line 'em all up against a wall and let 'em have it!
b) Lock the asses of every man, woman and child in the place up until the end of time!
c) Mass resignations from everyone until some Democrat is actually the President!
d) I'm guilty of treason myself, so I think nothing should happen to them.
e) Will this be on the test?

With the poorly run War in Iraq now hopelessly lost, the United States should...

a) Withdraw all troops immediately.
b) Return the unjustly imprisoned Saddam Hussein to power.
c) Pay war reparations to Cindy Sheehan.
d) Surrender our sovereignty to the rioters in France.
e) All of the above, moron!
f) I am a war-mongering mass murderer who just doesn't know when to quit - so let's keep on fighting!
g) Duh! I like cake!

Should gays be allowed to marry?

a) Of course, silly.

With the economy on the verge of collapse, how would you rate Bushitler's handling of it?

a) Poor.
b) Very poor.
c) Brother, can you spare a dime?
d) What's an e-con-o-meee?

Should the United States Senate vote to confirm that puppy-beating Mafioso troglodyte, Sam Alito, to the Supreme Court and destroy America forever?

a) No!
b) Hell, no!
c) Rip his spleen out and feed it to the crows!
d) Awwwwww! I like puppies!

Whom do you blame for Hurricane Katrina and all the suffering left in its aftermath?

a) George W. Bush.
b) Chimpy McBushitler.
c) Dubya.
d) Bush 43.
e) George Walker Bush.
f) All of the above.

If the 2008 Presidential Election were held tomorrow, for whom would you vote?

a) Hillary Clinton.
b) John Kerry.
c) Some other Democrat.
d) A third party candidate.
e) I wouldn't vote.
f) I want to destroy the country, so I would vote for some Rethuglican a**hole!
g) Oh, look! Buttons with numbers on them! (Beep-Boop-Beep-Beep-Beep-Boop-Beep...)

Gee, I can hardly wait to see the results!


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Or feel free to check out our Main Page where you can say hello to our two newest bloggers, Anna from A Rose by Any Other Name and T.M. Ergin, a.k.a. "Giacomo" of Joust the Facts, or try your hand at our latest Photo Caption Contest. Thank you for visiting The Right Place!


Thanks for the links!

Pat Curley at Brainster's Blog
Basil at Basil's Blog, who has invited us to "Supper"!
Bruce at The Conservative Cat, who has more "Funny Stuff"!
John at Argghhh!!!
Bill Quick at Daily Pundit
Mike at Cold Fury
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose on Your Face
Dan Ford at Electric Thoughts

This post is proudly featured in...

Carnival of Satire #8 at the skwib
Carnival of Comedy #28 at Striving for Average
Carnival of the Clueless #21 at Right Wing Nut House
Carnival of the Insanities at Dr. Sanity
Carnival of Crazy X at File it Under...

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